Astraea's Add On Stories: Lois and Clark

The Heroes: Lois Lane & Clark Kent
Title: It Happens Every Year
Theme: "Lois and Clark" style Superman adventure

On a bright morning in downtown Metropolis,
Superman went streaking through the sky!!!!!!!!
Already this story is starting out just like all the rest.
said Lois, throwing down her pen. If only I had an ANGLE!
An Angel? Did I hear someone ask for an Angel? A radiant being of light
hovered over Metropolis, confusing the hell out of
Superman. He couldn't understand the brilliant, mind-numbing apparition of
LEX LUTHOR?!
O Omnipotent One...
Lex luthor?!?!
Hi. This is Lex, I can't come to the phone right now, ....
because Lois has me handcuffed to the bed
I can't get up to answer the door (Lois, let me go! It's probably my PARENTS!)
Oh shut up, Farm Boy. Your mother would dig this
outfit I'm wearing (just a leather strap here and there)
OOOh Kinky
OMIGOD! Honest, Perry, we were doing a story on bondage!@
Listen kids, even Elvis had his aberrations. Don't let me stop you.
Care to join us?
Why? Are you coming apart?
No, it's scientifically impossible
for Jimmy to have changed that much. We're dealing with an evil substitution.
And the only person who could have done it,
IS THE MOST EVILLEST VILLAIN OF THEM ALL (drumroll) OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!
Huh?
Clark, WAKE UP! No dozing off in the staff meeting!
You mean it was all a dream? And I'm not really Super.... ... uhhhh.
Lois HEARD THAT! ANd no fudging this time, she doesn't say "Superman? YOU? HAHHAAHAHAH"
Yeah, she really takes it serious THAT's why she handcuffed him earlier!
She takes her sex addiction and B&D very serious!
Excuse me? said Kat, I believe you were talking about me?
NO, you dumb broad, we were talking about OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Huh?
Clark, WAKE UP! No dozing off in the staff meeting!
You mean it was all a dream? And I really AM Super..... .... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Lois shakes her head, "Now I really am confused."
"Typical, Lois, absolutely typical." Kat toddles off in her seven inch leather heels
and not much of anything else
happened in the dail Planet that day.
Until OXO WHITNEY called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lois got very excited. "Clark! It's HIM! I've got OXO WHITNEY on the phone!"
He's breathing heavily into my left ear,
and Lois just about creamed in her pants
Clark looks at her like she's lost her mind (again)
as she ties him securely to the four-poster bed.
And gets out the mayonnaise!
Clark, how did you get mayonnaise stains on your outfit?
Never mind that, now, Mom, just how do I get them out?
They've been locked in my closet for two hours, God only knows WHAT they've been doing!
Planting bugs
You want to grow a bug tree?
In the living room? Martha, art is art, but enough's enough!
Why? I think it looks beautiful--it's so BIG and
RED!
Panama Red! (Wait a minute, what happened to Oxo Whitney?)
Who?
Clark, WAKE UP! No dozing off in the staff meeting!
ZZZmmph..... *Huh?* You mean it was all a dream and I'm really not Superman--I mean, I'm really Super--- ugg.
Yes, Clark had been ensnared in a multidimensional time loop!
[pause for cheesy special effect]
Saw the wires!
Right through the wall... Watch that heat vision, Clark! Geeze!@
YEOW!!!!!!!!!! Perry got a scorched butt!
OLSEN!! Get me a bucket of ice!!!
And another bottle of champagne. I'm going to get drunk because
Kat wouldn't go out with me
Who wouldn't she go out with? Who? WHO??????
OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who WAS this mysterias OXO? Kat smelled a hot gossip item.
Just Perry's pants remember he got them burnt before and that is what you smell.
Ewww!
Cow shxt
Superman smelled like cow shit from going home.
Lois said "How'd you get covered in cow shit Superman?"
And how's he going to get the cow sh-t out?
Take his suit to the laundry, can't you just see that?
But the laundry was owned by none other than OXO WHITNEY!!!
Alright I give up WHO the fuck is Oxo Whitney said Lois.
Oops
Got caught with your pants down, eh Clark?
Zorp
A mysterious Kryptonian substance
was found on clark's desk. It was a glowing orange bottle. Uh oh.
"Who could have put this here?" wondered Lois. What would Lois do? SNOOP, of course
so she took it to the lab,
it turned out to be peanut butter.
Yeah... sure.. peanut butter... Lois sneered. Tell me another good one.
She said, as she ate some of the peanut butter out of the jar.
Lois, that's not peanut butter.
He tried to get the "peanut butter" away from her...
She said "Why are you so interested in this peanut butter?"
Clark didn't want to tell her it was peanut butter from KRYPTON!
She'd break her teeth on it. OW!
I won't even tell you what I'm thinking. It's FILTHY.
You don't have to tell me, Kat! I KNOW What you're thinking!!!!
"Lois You're so inexperienced that I doubt you actually know what I'm thinking."
Kat walked away as Lois stood there fuming.
Clark gets all the glory. All I get to do is scream and stuff.
It's OK Lois, Every reporter hits a slump now & then said Perry.
So she went home to sulk
in a hot bubble bath.. .when the curtains started blowing around and THERE HE WAS.
Oooh sexy Lois! He can see right through those bubbles you know.
But Superman can see right through ANYTHING, including
OHMIGOD There's a bomb in Lois' bathtub! (And she's still taking a bath)
Only seconds to spare what's Superman going to do now? Boy this is embarssing.
"Hold your breath, Lois," he said.
"Keep the smoke down in your lungs as long as you can."
Superman was still smoking that joint three weeks later. "Is something supposed to happen?"
Boy, was clark high, he tripped over a wastebasket and went floating through the office
AND EVERYBODY SAW HIM FLYING THROUGH THE OFFICE!
A visitor to the Daily Planet took a snapshot or six,
IT WAS OXO WHITNEY! He now had pictures of Clark flying around the office?!
and Lois was still in the bathtub while Superman's higher than a kite

NOTHING! Endless, blank nothing! The whole office was GONE
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
"Sending us on another wild goose chase," Clark muttered. "What for?"
"He's got something up his sleeve," Lois replied, and If I didn't know better I'd say it was
his arm.
He was waving it around and yelling.
'What's the meaning of this headline?'
No wonder! The headline was in Aglaron!
Only Clark could read it, and it said:
BEWARE OF OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!!!!
Clark and Lois stared at the message. "Oxo Whitney?" they both said together.
"Yes, you idiots, that's what I've been trying to TELL you! OXO WHITNEY is responsible for EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED!"
Clark thought back over the embarrassing events of the past few days and decided that Jimmy must be right!
That stuff in the jar really WAS peanut butter?
And I'm really Super.. UHHH.
more super than campbell's
Tipper Gore
was really OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!
Clark wasn't worried though,
Of COURSE he's not worried, you dork!
Would you be worried if bullets just bounced off you?
Does he duck when you throw the gun at his head like Geo. Reeves?
He's a DUCK?
Duck yOU!
She charged into the Planet offices, waving the paper in the air and shouting
What the HELL is the meaning of this headline?
AAAH! NOT A BARNEY THEME PARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everybody bow down and praise the GREAT GOD BARNEY
They were following Barney through the streets of Metropolis!
AND RIGHT INTO THE OCEAN
blue
streak through the Metropolis skyline
before he was arrested for indecent exposure
Perry was dancing in Metropolis Fountain in his long red flannels, singing "Jailhouse Rock?"
Yes. A lot has happened since you died
Mr. Prsident.
President Jackson said "There's too many white employees for a big city paper like this!"
Why, I do believe you're right, Rev. Jackson! Even the editor is White.
Perry said "Don't you think I know what you know, that I know what you and Luthor are up to?"
"And where did these photos come from, of Clark floating around the office?"

OXO WHITNEY stole the previous line
of Coke
bottles on the ground. Lois followed them into a dark alley
where she found the REAL Jimmy Olsen drinking himself into a blind stupor.
He stumbled forward. "I've got a great lead," he croaked, and puked all over her
pinafore
which they were going to put on to raise money for the Daily Planet
The Newspaper was in REAL TROUBLE becuase OXO WHITNEY
stole all the type.
They had to make the Daily Planet with press-on letters
and it looked like a ransom note
the ransom note: We're holding your STUPID reporter Olsen. Give us all your Coke bottles!
Now just sit tight, everyone, said Perry. Don't lose your heads!
So they sat quietly and looked at
Miss Frances on television ringing her bell and singing
Good Morning! This is a thought for the daY;
They stared at this sugary-sweet threatening ransom note until the commercial break.
"Let me guess. The villain is someone who thinks cute is cute?"
"And east is east, and west is west..."
"And if you take strawberries and stew them like prunes...
...You'll have a mess on your floor that'll be the devil to clean up."
Lois and Clark looked at Perry with stricken faces. "We... we already did," Clark muttered.
"Uh oh," Perry said. "Well, don't blame me if you get in serious trouble."
"I hope you're using protection, Clark."
To which Clark calmly replied:
"We'll always have Paris."
"no, 'Twas Beauty killed the Beast!"
"No, no. 'Twas Brillig, and the slithy toves...."
'No, no, NO. It's "When the moon is in the seventh house..."
'Get it straight once and for all: it's "I'm a little teapot short and stout.."
"GET OUT OF HERE AND GET AFTER OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Perry bellowed.
"AND DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT A
Fruitopia commercial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
FRUITOPIA!!! THAT was the discovery.. THE MOST HORRIFYING DISCOVERY OF ALL
OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wAasn't really Oxo Whiteney
No, it was Oxo WHITney. Please learn how to spell.
I can't! Oxo Whitey has jammed the computer!
Oh, quit blaming everything on Jessie Helms.

OXO WHITNEY DID IT AGAIN!
And the earth stood still. (Did the earth stand still for you, too?)
Having sex with Clark would probably be real boring.
Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our deepest apologies for that last scene.
The copy boys were throwing those MST3K lines around:
"He's afraid of being in a room with a dead guy? What's he doing at a seance then!"
Yeah! And Ray Milland is going to trust a guy named DR. FORRESTER??!?!?! HAHAHAHA
Quit switching channels on the TV set!!
I want to see the FRUITOPIA COMMERCIAL!!!!!
Don't you know OXO WHITNEY invented those commercials to SPELLBIND METROPOLIS to do his bidding?
Omigoddd you mean it's like the Galcom symbols/// I was afraid of that.
No, that's the Weather Channel.
Perry bellowed "ALRIGHT, cut the clowning! Lois has disappeared!"
Clark was kneeling under the coffee machine, stood up too fast and whacked his head on the
ceiling! And now there's a big hole in
his head
Oh no, we're not doing that head thing again!
said lex.
Then I'll take over the world, if OXO WHITNEY doesn't get to it first.
A pity you and Mr. Whitney can't team up together, Mr. Luthor
said Nigel
That's some speech for a dog. Arf Arf!
This is hardly the moment for levity!
But it was too late. The whole Planet staff was laughing their butts off
All these butts on the floor
Dammit, this office is a mess! Clean it up!
YEAH LOOK AT ALL OF THESE DIRTY NEWSPAPERS THEY
MSUT BE BANNED! DIRTY MOVIES MUST BE BANNED! BAN EVERYTHING!
You're not running for office, lady!
Lois was furious. NOTHING could stop her.
She crashed right into the meeting and said "Lex, don't sign it!"
OXO WHITNEY was about to swindle Lex of his millions
by selling him an incredible perpetual motion
roulette wheel!
Superman blew on it and it stopped on a dime
Unfortunately the dime was in Lex Luthor's pocket!
He had lost his millions and was now out on the street sleeping in alleys and drinking really cheap wine
and on the third day,
he rose from the dead with an awful hangover
and had COFFEE
And all over Perry's desk
and on the walls and ceiling were the DREADED ELVIS pictures
surrounded by candles
he pretended he was dead, hoping OXO WHITNEY would come in and he could catch him in the act!
But instead Lois came in and immediately shrieked OMIGOD!
Lois had never seen such a big
wad of chewing gum stuck to the bottom of
her shoe
was ringing! She pulled it off and listened and was HORRIFIED to hear
the SECRET MESSAGE which said
EAT AT JOES... EAT AT JOES... EAT AT JOES...
"This is where I came in," said Superman
floating off on the clouds of incense and
peppermint
rose!
by any other name would be a
sherry flip and a banana boat
on the rocks. I'm going to get drunk because
I just saw Superman in his underwear
NOT UNDERWEAR AGAIN!
I REFUSE to participate in any story in my UNDERWEAR!
said Clark, conveniently ignoring the fact that his underwear was rather unique, to say the very least.
An exhibition of totally unique underwear was at the Metropolis Museum
sponsored by (it wasn't Lex)
What?
OXO WHITNEY! OXO WHITNEY! OXO WHITNEY!!!
Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean!
That's Captain Picard, dope!
Wrong story
Dashing through the snow in a one-hoss open sleigh (starring Elvis)
fuck
uxvlr;
er9-i
and other strange Kryptonian phrases spelled out MERRY CHRISTMAS!
***
she kissed Perry real good
and he fell on the floor
laughing
all the way HO HO HO
in that stupid Satan suit
with that big sack with a pentagram on it
giving out incense and
peppermints!
patti
smith
brothers
grimm
crimes he was contemplating as he strode grimmly down the grimmy back alleys of Metropolis
Grimm Grimmsby was his name, and he was in a fowl, fowl mood.
Cos old Mr. Grimmsby ate too much turkey at Christmas dinner! As the snow continued to fall...
Grimmsby grumbled and growled all the way to the DAILY PLANET, where he said
"Hey old guy! I want to speak to the managing editor."
Perry White looked like he'd been socked by Elvis' alien stepson.
"What's the matter, Mr. White?
You look as if you'd just seen a ghost!"
It was.... it was ghost of...
OXO WHITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not again
He's good. Really.
He's God. Really.
said the Branch Davidian.
Excuse me, said Perry, but your pants are smoking.
Clark, would you please WATCH it with that heat vision? GEEZE!
I was just trying to warm up my coffee, he said, blushing.
<
> (Ha! Beat ya again. Two can play at that game, said LOIS)
'Uh oh.
It's Elvis' alien lovechild, and he's got
a very small
cork
in a bottle
the first thing that I'd like to do
is say BITE ME!
to the dopes that came up with this idiotic story in the first place.
said Perry. This is the Daily Planet, not the Midnight Express. When you've got some real news, I'll listen.
Aw chief, said Jimmy, this is the real stuff!
BUT IT WASN'T THE REAL JIMMY! It was OXO WHITNEY! The REAL Jimmy was in
Clark's apartment where Lois and Clark tried to sober him up.
Hey, what's in this closet? says Jimmy (OOOPS!)
"Honest, C.K., I really thought I had the perfect lead
but it was only a paper moon
and I wouldn't moon this paper for the world.
Jimmy giggled and fell flat on his moon
pie
in the sky
it's a bird
it's a plane
This is where I came in.
hey you guys SUPERMAN rmember?
Yeah! SUPERMAN! He could solve this stupid crisis.
I wonder where he is, said clark. Meanwhile
"HEY! When is someone gonna pay attention to ME!" said old Mr. Grimmsby.
Grimmsby said "I've got the REAL goods on that no good Exxon Whiteley! He's cheated me for the last time!"
Grimmsby banged his stick on Perry's desk and Perry jumped three feet in the air.
"ARE YOU GONNA LISTEN TO ME OR NOT!?"
Lois and Clark tried to calm Jimmy down, but he was really upset. "See, there's this old guy named Grimmsby that owns a fruit juice business...."
..."and he offered me some free samples..."
"...and the next thing I knew I was HOOKED. I had to have more Fruitopia commercials.
THAT's what Fruitopia is for! It's to cure people of being hooked on Fruitopia commercials!
the REAL Jimmy Olsen recovered and came to the Planet "Oh, Mr. Grimmsby!" Now's his chance to get a STORY!!!
Grimmsby looks at him "Who the hell are you?
Who put the Listerine in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine?
FUCK THAT STUPID BULLSHIT!
observed Paul O'Neill, as he jumped up and down and threw his helmet. "FUCK," he added thoughtfully.
He was throw out for cussing.
What Happened to The Free Speech Movement!
The radical beliefs that Grimm Grimmsby belonged to in his youth.
Now, Grimmsby's come out of hiding, and I want you to do a story on him.
TOO LATE! The REAL Jimmy Olsen scooped the Planet and brought Oxo Whitley to his doom!
(They can get Oxo Whit-N-ey next time.)
And they didn't even need Superman! Now THAT'S a STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE END

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These stories were created with a one-line story generator on a WWIVnet bulletin board. Ech line was entered separately by each user who signed onto the bulletin board. Each person who signed in was shown the preceding line, and then was allowed to add a line of their own. The story, as it evolved, was stored on a part of the BBS where files were available for download; so you could, if you wanted, see previous entries to get a sense of where to take the story. So when you signed into a WWIVnet BBS, you might see something like this:

The Hero: Elmo the Magnificent
Title: Up In Smoke
Theme: Story of a hairdresser possessed by the spirit of Julius Caesar
Last line entered was...
around and around she goes, and
Enter the next line (or type ENTER to abort)

So then you have the opportunity to type the next line, knowing only what was written on the previous line. That's why it's sort of silly, and that's what makes it good!

The stories we're presenting here were written by members of Astraea system and a few friends, using said software.