Astraea's Infamous
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once upon a time there was a cat. no, make that two cats, because cats should come in pairs. one was calico and one was tabby and they were both inclined to talk when no one was listening. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
So the calico looked at the tabby and said: "looks like no one is going to be insufferably cute with us. Let's go find Neil." The tabby (who was intently grooming that particularly stubborn spot on his chest) mumbled, "Neil who?" which exasperated the calico into bopping him upside the head. "Neil Young, of course!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The tabby looked up from his adorable sprawl on the floor. "Neil is insufferably cute?" "There's only one way to find out!" Fortunately, as it says on hyperrust.org, Neil really IS everywhere. After all, that's his voice coming out of the stereo downstairs! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Trotting downstairs, the two cats sat neatly down in front of the speakers. Tilting their ears from side to side, they listened solemnly for a long moment. Maybe worshipped would be a better description (after all, Neil is God). "How," mewed the tabby, "do we find him?" The calico crinkled its forehead. "Through the speaker of course!" And using their nifty-magical neko abilities, they morphed through the speaker to... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
spook everyone with their eery, scary meowing through the speaker. Everyone thought it was a fight in distress. Neil called 911. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Dispatcher answered Neil's call. Neil yelled for help over the sound of the cats. The Dispatcher listened for a second and asked--Who let the Cats Out?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
911 help came when they did the cats were no where to be seen 'FUCK' yelled one of the cops. 'Find them cats' | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The other police man said," hey that's a curse word!" The first police man said," Who in this fuckin world cares?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
"I fuckin do"yelled the other one.They realised that this argument was pointless so they sontinued they journey on finding those damm cats.They went to the middle of town and the first officer noticed this band so he ran up on the stage and started screaming at the top of his lungs"WHO LET THE CATS OUT" |
Meanwhile, Neil Young had figured out that the eerie mewing sounds were coming from inside the speaker itself. Never before did he have any visitors in his home inside the speakers. He didn't even know that anyone was clever enough to figure out that he was really inside them. Neil poured the cats some milk and listened to their sad story. "We need someone to be insufferably cute with us," the tabby said. "Yes, and we thought you could perhaps be that person..." the calico added hopefully. Neil was pondering this statement when he suddenly remembered about 911. He had to call them again to say that he had found the cats. *Ring Ring* "Fuck! What is it?" answered the operator. "Err...I found those cats I was looking for," Neil answered, slightly taken aback by the operator's rudeness. "Who let the cats out?" the operator barked in response. |
Neil hung up very quietly .oO("Wha'd I say wrong??") He wondered who'd really called 911. He hadn't been upset by the eerie mewing and howling coming out of the speakers, just curious how it was happening because he wasn't the one MAKING those noises HIMSELF! He flopped back on the sofa and pondered the situation. The cats immediately jumped up and snurgled, increasing their weight by 80 lbs. each. aaack. |
Wherein Neil Diamond having been snurgled one hot summer night by the 2 kitties thought it time to give up his day job, and he became a dentist. In the meantime, the calico and tabby cats changed their litter-tray, finding it under the sofa, used, and pondered the secrets of the universe. It was at this very moment that they heard ... |
Wherein Neil Diamond having been snurgled one hot summer night by the 2 kitties thought it time to give up his day job, and he became a dentist. In the meantime, the calico and tabby cats changed their litter-tray, finding it under the sofa, used, and pondered the secrets of the universe. It was at this very moment that they heard ... |
Wherein Neil Diamond having been snurgled one hot summer night by the 2 kitties thought it time to give up his day job, and he became a dentist. In the meantime, the calico and tabby cats changed their litter-tray, finding it under the sofa, used, and pondered the secrets of the universe. It was at this very moment that they heard ... |
... an echo. My word, said the tabby looking around him,there seems to be an echo in here! What said Calico. What? What? What? said the room. See I told you .. told you .. |
It's Morris! I knew he would
come back! I was so upset when
he left us. I knew he was getting fat, but they didn't have to just....well...kill him. He was so handsome on those cmmercials..ya know. |
Neil YOUNG not Neil DIAMOND! That's what's the matter with this story, it's headed into a PARALLEL UNIVERSE! (where cats change their own litter boxes!) You know they can't coexist in the same space -- they would implode and destroy the universe! Why do you think they've never performed together like at a benefit or Farm Aid or something? WHY DO I KEEP FXXXIN' UP!!! |
The universe imploded! Luckily, the two kitties used their UberNifty-Magical Neko Abilities to create a portal to a Parallel Universe, just in time! They looked around and marveled at the cuteness of the strange six-legged creature walking towards them. |
"Catnip?" it asked in a tinkly, pleasant voice. The pair swooned in ecstasy just thinking about it, and willingly followed off after the catnip-offering creature, through a miniature landscape decorated with kittens and penguins and angel children. Kinda like the wallpaper for this story. |
The Angel-penguins were dancing for Neil Diamond, and then *SPLASH* Evil Doppleganger Neil Young came and laughed evily "BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Now you will HAVE to listen to my music BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA" The penguin angels shivered.. "Oh Dear!' They said.... and then |
Neil Diamond took out his guitar and started playing...
"I got a song been on my mind | And the tune can be sung and the words all rhyme Deedle-ee deet deet deet deet deet deet deet dee dee Though it don't say much and it won't offend If you sing it in school then they're liable to send you home Never knowing what you're showin' Think you're growin' your own tea Good lord! Drop your shrink and stop your drinkin' Crunchy granola's neat Sing it out alright Da da da da, da da da da da, dee dee dee dum I know a man was outta touch And he'd hide in a house and he didn't say much Deedle-ee deet deet deet deet deet deet deet dee doo And like a man with a tiger outside his gate Not only couldn't relax but he couldn't relate Now he can, family man, tried my brand, dig Drop your shrink ... I'll have a double,please" and the Angel Penguins squeeled, because they knew he would save them allllllll
Yeah, I suppose. What a large, floundering piece of owl excretion. If you have nothing enlightening, artistic or socially redeeming to say, (like me), just throw some completely desctructive, poorly written (misspelled) stupidity where something meaningful should have gone. What a shitty half-assed world... |
Oh, angst! Ain't it just awful? Reporters crowd around your house, going through your garbage like a pack of hounds, speculating what they may find out, it don't matter now, you're all washed up! Is this story all washed up too? |
A scruffy bass player with hornrim glasses and a long black ponytail wandered
thru playing technician and testing the equipment. He turned on the microphone
and said "You guys wanna sound check?" There was a massive feedback squeal and
about thirty billion moths came fluttering out of the amplifier behind him.
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