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The FAQ for alt.sexual.abuse.recoveryThis is a really old copy of the FAQ which has probably been updated several times since June '95.Frequently Asked Questions List for Alt.Sexual.Abuse.Recovery This is a list of regularly discussed topics on alt.sexual.abuse.recovery (hereafter ASAR), issues relating to healing from abuse and resources you can access on the internet and elsewhere. Suggested ways of posting and general behavior are outlined. ASAR is completely unmoderated and was concived of as a psychological support/recovery newsgroup before the alt.support.* hierarchy existed. It is the compiled work of many contributors to ASAR. If you have comments, suggestions or new contributions please email them to the FAQ maintainer kws@teleport.com. This is a long list, so the first thing you will find is an outline. You will find material that is of interest throughout. Remember, you can stop reading at any time! Sections are marked as follows:
The outline(originally compiled and organized by Hineni)
1. Welcome & General Information about ASAR1.1) What is ASAR? (by Matt Fields)As the name suggests, ASAR is a public forum on recovery from all types of sexual abuse, including rape experienced by adults as well as by children. It is frequented by both males and females, and is accessible to everyone, including supporters, health care professionals, perpetrators, and the general public. The cast of readers and authors changes constantly. Recently discussed topics include self-inflicted violence, multiple personalities, confronting/naming perpetrators, dealing with the holidays, explaining oneself to prying members of the general public, self-defense, nightmares, etc.
1.2) Anonymous Posting Services. (by Jason Black)For those who are not comfortable enough dealing with their abuse to post using their real name, there are anonymous posting services. These allow you to post to ASAR (or other newsgroups) and send mail to other anonymous people without ever revealing your real address or identity to them.
1.2.1) What is an APS?An anonymous posting service (APS) is a special piece of software for processing mail sent to special addresses. In general, an APS receives a piece of mail, replaces any identifying information from the mail header with your anonymous identifier, and then posts the anonymized message to Usenet. Some APS's can also send anonymous mail to other users of that APS. Not all APS's work the same way. Most have at least minor operational differences from each other. But in general, the above things are true about them.
1.2.2) How secure is an APS?A very valid question is "how secure is an APS?" The answer is, ultimately, not 100% secure. For even the best APS's, there is usually some way for the APS's administrator or the superuser of that system to find out what real address corresponds with what anonymous address. However, in general people not on the site that the APS runs on have no way of finding this out. Most APS's have to maintain a list of anonymous id's and real address pairs, so that when a message comes in, it knows what anonymous name to put in the header for the post to Usenet. All APS's which provide anonymous mail services have to have such a list because the APS ultimately needs to know what the address of the recipient is. The APS administrator has access to this list, and can read it. The superuser of the system the APS is on can also read this list.E-mail itself isn't very secure, either. Anyone with superuser privileges on any machine the mail has to go through to get to the APS could theoretically read the temporary files created by the mail server on their machine while it processes your mail. In general, one can never protect one's self from the superuser of a system. However, system administrators are generally honest and respectable people, who have a vested interest in the integrity of their systems. It is rare, although not unheard of, for system administrators to abuse their powers to read people's e-mail. Everyone must decide for themselves whether or not they can trust their local system administrators, and whether they can trust the people who run the APS they use. The only way to protect yourself from the insecurities of e-mail is to use an APS which can process some form of encrypted mail. There is at least one APS which does this. Using this feature, however, requires more technical expertise on your end than using a non-encrypted APS. So the answer is, no APS is completely secure. However, for a well built APS, the APS's administrator and the superuser of the system would have to go through a lot of trouble to find out what real address corresponds with a particular anonymous ID. So if you are having concerns like that about the people who run the APS you use, you can always switch to using another one.
1.2.3) List of current APS and Anonymous Services sites.This is a list of currently running APS sites, and some information on how to use them.The asarian.org anonymous accounts/shell access service: asarian.org is a relatively new anonymous server. It is run by a fellow named Fuzzy in the United States. asarian.org is a full-service anonymous internet provider (UseNet news, irc, icb, telnet, ftp, WWW and etc.) whose primary focus is to serve the ASAR community. To access information about asarian.org and various other home pages devoted to survivor oriented issues: WWW: http://www.asarian.org To request more information about asarian.org, send email to fuzzy@asarian.org The twwells.com APS: This is a fairly well established APS. It offers anonymous posting to ASAR, and anonymous e-mail services. It is a feature-rich APS, with lots of commands you can include in your mail messages. If you are interested in using this APS, you should probably mail the anon-help address and read the help file.
1.3) Common Acronyms, Abbreiviations and Terms(by Jason Black, contributions from Matt Fields) (modified 6/2/95)As you read ASAR (and other groups as well), you will run across a variety of different acronyms and symbols that are a bit difficult to figure out. However, since they are often used to stand for states of mind or tones of voice, not knowing what they mean can lead one to misinterpret someone's posting.
2. Who We Are (by Jason Black)2.1) Who "belongs" here.More or less anyone belongs here. The group is ostensibly for survivors of sexual abuse. However, a great variety of other people find benefit from this group as well, and we don't turn them away. People like survivors of other forms of abuse, SO's of survivors, a few doctors and therapists who add their two cents, and by far the largest group, silent readers. People who read but do not post. By my estimation, there are about 1000 people who have posted to ASAR. The latest arbitron figures I heard said that around 19000 people worldwide read this group.
2.2) Posting Etiquette.2.2.1) Ground Rules (by Bear Giles, Jason Black)Everyone is welcome to read ASAR. However, since ASAR functions as a combination sexual-abuse survivor's support group and online rape crisis center, we must ask you to observe a few rules unique to Usenet. These rules exist to form a safe environment for the active participants; failure to observe these rules has been demonstrated to cause a negative impact on the functioning of this group.To draw an analogy to the rules of conduct in group therapy sessions: Perps should not post abusively. This is a group for survivors. However, many perps are themselves survivors, so this is a tricky issue. If you are a perp, you should exercise rather a great deal of caution as to how you post. As mentioned above, if you post abusively the members of ASAR will do something about it. Disagreements and arguments will break out on ASAR. We would like to think they don't, but ASAR members are real people, and so they do. When they do, it is helpful to keep in mind that taking sides against one or more people on the other side doesn't help. It is divisive behavior, and hurts the overall atmosphere on ASAR. People have been known to stop reading ASAR when such incidents happen, which prevents ASAR from being the tool for healing that it is intended to be. Survivor's stories should not be questioned. This reinforces "don't talk" rules of perps, making the cost to survivors far outweigh the potential benefits. Many survivors find it extremely difficult to discuss their abuse. Questioning the truth of what they say happened to them is a very cruel thing to do. Judgements of sexual behavior should not be made. ASAR readers run the gamut from heterosexual to homosexual and everything in between. No matter what your orientation is, you have as much right as anyone to participate in ASAR, and as little right to criticize someone else's sexuality as you would give to them. Religious aspects of healing should be dealt with carefully. While religion can be a powerful healing force, it was also a factor in many cases of sexual abuse. Treat religious opinions as you would sexual orientations: to each their own. Survivor's stories, or summaries thereof, should not be reposted elsewhere without explicit permission of the author. To do so would be a rather gross violation of that person's trust in the newsgroup. For a lot of survivors, trust is hard to come by, so don't mess it up. It will not always be possible for you to agree with everyone. There will be times when you feel that you have to say something to someone that isn't particularly nice, in order to be honest. For example, if someone posts asking for support for something you feel isn't right, it would be natural to tell them so. However, one should be careful in how one says this. Keep in mind that the person on the other end could well be in a vulnerable and not too strong frame of mind, and treat them gently. ASAR has seen several unpleasant flame wars break out because someone with the best of intentions and very valid points to make posted a response to someone else which was overly blunt. Remember that it can be hard to see the message behind the style if that style is too aggressive. Care should be taken when posting excerpts from e-mail you have received. Keep in mind that the person sending you mail chose e-mail over posting in the first place. You may not know what their reasons were, but their choice of a private forum should still be respected. When posting e-mail, it is a good idea to make sure that you have explicit permission of the author to do so. And be sure in your post to let your readers know that. Of course, the flip side of this is that one should not take this assumption of a private forum and use it to harass someone via e-mail. That is the sort of thing that can get your local net administrator to remove your net access.
2.2.2) Spoiler Warnings (by John Light)This newsgroup includes a wide range of individual experience, ranging from people who are just realizing that they may have been abused to people who have made significant steps toward recovery. People traumatized by abuse often feel unable to deal with graphic material related to abuse, yet some people want to share graphic material that relates to their own abuse and recovery.Our challenge is to meet the needs of the entire range of sensibilities. This must be done in a way that requires no additional administration and doesn't impose censorship. Following the lead of other newsgroups, readers of ASAR use "spoiler" warnings. The use of the word is that if you aren't in a safe personal space when you read the material, it may spoil your whole day. Each submitter will decide for himself whether the material may cause distress for some readers.
The string "
***** SPOILER WARNING *****
Even if you do have a spoiler warning in your subject line, it is still a
good idea to have one of these lines anyway.
The first lines of text in the message should identify the sender and the
nature of the material.
Just ahead of the graphic material, there should be a few blank lines and
a ^L (control-L) character, which will terminate the page in many news
programs.
The graphic material will follow the ^L. It should meet the same criteria
as other submissions to ASAR., i.e., it should not be abusive to its
readers in general or any individual, it should be be related to abuse
recovery, etc.
If follow-ups are innocuous or of general interest, the "spoiler" string
should be removed from the Subject line in follow-ups. This reduces the
volume of "spoiler" warnings so we don't become desensitized to them.
In practice, most people will read the spoiler material. For them, it
still provides an opportunity to prepare emotionally for the material.
E-hugs are ok, so long as you don't try to force them on people. A lot of
people are uncomfortable with such gestures of affection, so the
appropriate thing to do is to offer "e-hugs if you want them." And be
sensitive to other people's desires. If someone indicates that they would
rather not be offered e-hugs, don't.
It's ok to disagree with people. In fact, disagreement can lead to very
good and thought provoking discussions. However, one should make some
effort to be tactful and considerate when disagreeing. It does no good to
make a good point in a belligerent manner. People are easily turned off
by abrasive presentation of an idea.
Criticizing people as opposed to their ideas is not helpful. Flaming
others is not acceptable. Generally, any behavior that is deemed abusive,
hurtful or counterproductive is unacceptable. If you post something which
is unacceptable the odds are very good that someone will let you know,
generally by posting in return. If what you posted was misunderstood, or
you didn't know that you were being hurtful, simply posting an apology or
clarification will suffice. ASAR readers are amazingly forgiving.
A meta-discussion is on which does not discuss the issue at hand
(supporting abuse survivors), and, instead, gets all wrapped up in
political agendas and personality bashing. I've seen some groups go
completely down the tubes over this issue, and I don't want to see it
happen here.
If someone's attitude bothers you, put them in your kill file. If they
seems more than a little annoying, try writing them personal mail.
(Warning- this rarely works) If they are genuinely abusive, forward their
mail to their postmaster. (Do the last only as a last resort)
This section, were it a post, is an example of a meta-discussion (or a
meta-meta-discussion).
The point being that it is counter-productive to fill the discussion on
ASAR with posts about how someone else is posting. Such discussions are
better off conducted in e-mail, or avoided altogether.
Experience has shown us that articles crossposted to ASAR tend to get out
of hand very quickly and end up upsetting survivors. The reason for this
is that the style of conversation on ASAR tends to take special care not
to upset survivors, whereas conversation on other groups does not
generally keep in mind survivors' sensitivities. Since follow-ups are by
default copied to all groups listed in the Newsgroups line, respondents on
other groups are usually not even particularly aware that their audience
includes survivors, so they innocently write what would be major gaffes on
ASAR. Once a cross-posted thread gets started, it is next to impossible
to squash it on any one group, so it just has to die a natural, often
protracted death.
If you feel a topic you are posting to other groups is also relevant and
appropriate for ASAR, please post it separately rather than as a
crossposted message, so the follow-ups do not cross group boundaries, and
so the thread can be more readily closed down should it prove
uncomfortable or even offensive to survivors.
Also, it is considered to be extremely bad form to crosspost someone
else's post without their consent. If you think something someone else
said is relevant to another group, ask that person to post it there (the
best thing) or if you can do it for them (the next best thing). If they
don't want their post showing up on another newsgroup, then you should do
no more than post a note on that group saying that there may be a relevant
discussion over on ASAR.
Such invalidation of a victim's testimony is really not much of a
challenge. At the start of the healing process, most survivors are
emotional wrecks - usually displaying extremely neurotic behavior and
often multiply addicted to various substances and/or behaviors. Who wants
to believe the ramblings of someone who appears to be falling apart at the
seams? Many survivors are their own worst enemy when it comes to
credibility - and this is *not* an accident from the perp's point of view.
Plus, the first time that most survivors try to speak up about the abuse,
they are children; at such an age, it is quite easy for adults to dismiss
their words as fantasy or play. Children gain clues about the nature of
life and reality from the adults around them. Having an experience
invalidated by the adults in their lives is extremely damaging to their
psychological development, to say nothing of what the abuse itself does to
them. This experience underlies the aforementioned neurotic behavior.
By his/her actions (calling the victim crazy or a liar), the perp is
implying that the victim is not respectable, that the victim is an
unreliable participant in life. The further implication is that the
victim is somehow less than human. These subtleties are *not* lost on the
victim!
In the first place, the perp denied the the victim's humanity by using
her/him as a sex object. The perp then compounds the injury by placing
his own need to escape punishment above the victim's need for validation
and healing. This is a gross injustice and anger is an appropriate
response to it.
When people say that abuse survivors are "making it up to get attention,"
"lying," "deluded by their therapists," etc., then those who contend that
the abuse didn't happen (because there's no "hard evidence") appear to
survivors to be siding with the perpetrators.
This may well not be the case from *your* point of view as a skeptic, but
many survivors will *perceive* you as siding with the perps because your
statements are identical to things that perps say.
Aside from how inane it is to ignore the "soft evidence" made up of the
plethora of defense mechanisms extant in the life of most survivors,
rejecting such symptoms is, at best, a denial of psychology as a valid
scholarly field and, at worst, a self-serving kind of intellectual myopia.
Quite simply, people do not spontaneously develop defense mechanisms;
something happened!
You are extremely naive or, at best, uninformed if you think that we, as
survivors, haven't heard your arguments before. Believe me, we have heard
what you say - we've heard it repeatedly - from child rapers. Are you
surprised, now, that survivors greet your skeptical remarks with
hostility?
Even though, to *you*, you are speaking the truth (or seeking the truth).
From a survivor's point of view, you sound like a child raper who has a
vested interest in invalidating our testimony.
One of the purposes of a self-help or support group is to *validate* each
others' experiences and to fight the lies of perpetrators. The deepest
wounds that a survivor carries are connected to this implication from the
perp that says "you are less than human."
The lies told by perps are ingrained in the victims at the deepest
possible emotional level - at the level where "normal" people have an
unquestioning belief in their own right to be alive and to be happy.
Unrecovered survivors do *not* feel that they have a right to live and be
happy. Survivors don't talk about suicide because they "want attention"
(although a few might as they cry out for their pain to be validated), but
because they sincerely doubt their right to live, and even doubt that it's
possible to have a life of joy. Most would settle for life with less
ongoing pain.
From many survivors' point of view, when you challenge the validity of
their testimony about the abuse, you are indirectly challenging their
right to live. As mentioned above, it was the PERP who created this
(illogical) connection in the hearts and minds of survivors.
Please do not think of survivors as having inferior intellects, as they
don't; but please *do* recognize that part of this process called recovery
entails discovering and working through the irrationalities implanted in
us by our brainwashing rapists (perps). We, as survivors, usually are
keenly aware of when we're being irrational.
Every newsgroup is for the transmission of information. Most of that
information is factual, intellectual. But there *are* newsgroups whose
primary intent is to fulfill the emotional needs of the Net community.
Examples of such groups are alt.personals, soc.motss, alt.sex.stories, and
(as if you couldn't see it coming) alt.sexual.abuse.recovery.
Because its purpose is weighted more toward fulfilling emotional needs
than the intellectual ones (we can all obtain recovery books - what we
can't always do is connect with other survivors), in a milieu such as
asar, it is inappropriate to shout down or invalidate a survivor's story -
such actions retard or even impede the survivor's recovery.
A survivor who lives daily with nightmares, inexplicable panic attacks,
suicidal urges, auditory and visual hallucinations, and even multiple
personalities does *not* need "hard evidence" to be convinced of the
reality that abuse happened - s/he lives daily with the "proof."
Skeptics are the one who need "hard evidence." Probably because *our*
experience, as survivors, has made the likelihood of all forms of abuse
far too credible, survivors appear to be gullible or even eager to believe
the worst about human nature. And on the other hand, skeptics often come
off to survivors as "not being in touch with reality," "in denial," or
naive in the extreme.
In any case, the quest for that most evanescent of items, the truth, is
more appropriately carried out in another news group, not in asar.
There is no harm done by emotionally validating a survivor's experiences,
especially when the perps are clearly beyond punishment.
Skeptical posts have the following negative effects:
The most helpful thing to do is to believe survivors and not to question
their stories no matter how incredible or heinous is the abuse that they
report.
When I feel attacked by SA my first reaction is to retreat and I am very
disoriented. Almost physically disoriented. Its about as close as I come
to what I have heard others describe as dissociating.
The thing that diffuses our anger quicker than just about anything else is
for me to tell SA how I *felt* when I *judged* she was attacking me. And
concentrate on *my* feelings. It is very difficult to do and usually I
will write her a letter rather than try to do it 'off the cuff'. Its not
a cure-all, and is a little scary since I often think I am making myself
vulnerable after I have just been attacked. But actually I am not making
myself vulnerable if I don't have this complete expectation she will fall
all over herself apologizing to me. By verbalizing my feelings I am
really just accepting those feelings in myself. I am sharing them with
her from a position of strength, they are a way of defining my boundaries.
One other minor point is that it is very useful for me to make sure I go
beyond expressing feelings of anger. Usually anger for me is result of my
feeling hurt. I have an extremely difficult time experiencing feelings of
hurt and pain so I quickly convert these & hide them with anger. When I
can get to the feelings underlying the anger I understand much clearer
what is going on within me.
2: Your relationship with your loved one is probably going to be a bit
unconventional :-) If you are the same gender as the perp then some
suppressed anger may pop out and land on you when you did nothing to
deserve it. Or you may come home after a hard day at the whatever, start
unburdening yourself about how miserable your life is, and then in the
middle of this discover that your loved one has been thinking about
suicide all day. So now you feel like a jerk, and your day was still bad.
Or your loved one will need hugs and holding but will be in a seriously
non-sexual mood. And in the course of holding and hugging you will start
to feel sexual, and now the two of you are *seriously* crosswise. Reread
Rule 1.
3: Work at encouraging your loved one to get professional help. You can't
be their therapist: you aren't trained for it, you haven't got the time,
and you're too involved. I always recommend starting out with, or having
therapy supervised by, a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist because
there are medications that help and things like depression can influence,
and be influenced by, other illnesses in really weird ways.
4: Do your best to be there when you're needed. Any survivor has,
especially in the case of incest, been subject to an unimaginable breach
of trust. They need to rebuild the ability to connect with another human
being and rely on them. During the tough times the relationship may seem
awfully one-sided. Try not to blame your loved one, and work out your
annoyance/anger with whoever is helping you (Aha! Rule 1 again!).
5: Your loved one may have serious flashbacks or psychological episodes
triggered by scenes in movies; they may have what appear to be extremely
irrational fears of crowds, the indoors, the outdoors, nightfall, other
dumb stuff. They may wake up in the middle of the night with big-time
anxiety attacks. Try to be sensitive to these concerns and learn what to
avoid (and, less paternalistically, discuss beforehand). Check on the
movie before you go; leave in the middle if it's getting to be too much
for your loved one. Work out your feelings about the ruined night
out/date/dinner/trip with whoever is helping you (good old Rule 1 again).
Try not blame yourself when you screw up; some things you just can't
predict.
6: (This is tough, but could be important.) Think hard in advance about
how you would handle an emergency. Under what circumstances would you
call 911? Do you know the therapist's name? Do you have the phone number
handy? What medications is your loved one taking? If you're not a legal
spouse, who's going to vouch for your status in your loved one's life? Is
there somebody else (parent, ex-SO, the perp) who is liable to wade in and
make things worse? If so, what might you be able to do about it? Think
about all this ugly stuff, get mad about it, and talk about it with
whoever is helping you (Surprise! Rule 1!). Then file it away in the back
of your mind and get on with your lives together.
And finally, a rough rule taught me by a wise old shrink: you can gauge
how depressed somebody else is by how depressed *you* feel when you're
around them.
ASAR can:
If you are experiencing symptoms common to people who have been abused
(see list below), then it would probably be in your best interests to try
some of the methods that have been suggested for healing from abuse. If
you have a suspicion that maybe you were abused but you aren't quite sure,
then maybe it would be helpful for you to work on healing techniques.
Better safe than sorry. Absolutely the most important thing is your own
healing from the pain you are feeling. You may find something of use to
you, even if you never remember any specific abuse.
Often, people who have been abused as children were told that the abuse
didn't really happen, that the child was making it up or was crazy. It is
very common for survivors of childhood abuse to have times when they doubt
if the abuse occurred. Thoughts of "It didn't really happen, I must have
been dreaming" or "What if I'm making it all up" are normal, but if you
think you were abused, it is safer to assume you were abused. Think of it
this way: your subconscious would not *choose* to inflict on you the pain
you are going through. It is much more pleasant to be happy and healthy;
if you can't be happy and healthy, and you suspect childhood sexual abuse,
then do the things that help promote healing, even if you don't have
specific memories yet.
If you are experiencing both suspicions of abuse and doubts of your
suspicions, trust your suspicions for the time being. Intuition is
frequently right about this sort of thing. If you have symptoms of abuse
and still can't remember being abused, just work on your healing.
Memories will come when you are ready for them.
Another common reaction of survivors is to minimize their abuse; to say,
"Well something happened but nothing that really qualifies as serious
abuse" or "What happened to me isn't as bad as what some people
experience, and it doesn't affect me now anyway". If what happened to you
was significant enough for you to be questioning and reading this, then it
was significant enough for you to work on healing. If you were harmed in
any way, it was significant, and you deserve healing. You are worth it.
In section VI of the FAQ is a list of some common "symptoms" of having
been abused. Having one or more of these does not categorically mean that
you *were* abused, but it is a strong indicator. It does almost surely
mean that there is something in your past that should be worked on, even
if it's not sexual abuse. If you wonder whether or not you've been
abused, you should probably have a look at this list.
One of the most common traits of abusers is that they demand control over
double-think reality---by this, I mean that they create networks of alibis
for themselves and stories implicating their victims as guilty or unworthy
or stupid or deluded...You may have to ask yourself what part of your
incredulity about your own memory is based on shame which has been placed
on you unfairly by an abuser, and which part deals with conflicting facts.
For some people, this web of lies is a basic part of the foundation of
their lives, and it can be scary to even contemplate that it needs to be
removed. However, when these people do tear down the crumbly foundation,
they almost invariably end up re-building something better, stronger, and
cleaner than was there before.
For me, an important early strategy was one of wait-and-see: I gradually
made available for testing and reevaluation basic "facts" that had been
ground into me, such as the idea that parents are always motivated by
their kids' best interest...Over time, it became possible for me to
congeal a knowledge of reality rooted in my own experience rather than in
the attitudes of my abusers towards me.
An important part of coming to feel not crazy was for me to go beyond
recognizing the facts of what had happened to me to realize that they
constituted abuse. I will not repeat the biographical details here, but
suffice it to say that everyone acknowledged that these acts constituted
abuse except me; when I began to see them that way, getting feedback from
others was especially helpful. Now, I don't recommend just going and
asking a random co-worker or dorm-mate whether they think action X
constitutes abuse...You're likely to get a weird reaction. Trusted
friends, carefully picked therapists who have earned your trust, etc.---
these are relatively safe people to confide in, for most people; existing
circles of survivors, like this newsgroup, are also good.
You may ask this question when feeling severely distressed at the denial
techniques of your abusers or at your current condition; in that case, I
would refer you to the rest of the FAQ for resources which you may find
immediately helpful.
There isn't really any set amount that you *should* remember. As much as
you feel comfortable remembering or need to remember is a good guideline.
Sometimes new memories wait until your belief system can accommodate them
before they show up. Sometimes memories will show up that help you to
understand more truthfully what reality is or was for you. So the short
form answer is: whatever you need to know, You will. You may remember
nothing, you may remember everything, but chances are you'll be somewhere
in between most of the time. My experience -- with myself and survivor
friends -- is that the subconscious mind is kind and considerate, and
won't drop a brick on your head unless it knows you're already looking up
to see the brick fall. When you're ready to remember, you will. If
you're not, don't sweat it.
One is that just because the medication is for a mental affliction is no
reason not to take it. If your body was sick, and a doctor prescribed
penicillin, for example, you would probably take it. It helps you get
better. How are mood altering medications different? If it helps you get
better, why should you not use it?
The other school of thought says that they would no way, no how take into
their body some sort of foreign substance that's going to alter the way
they interact with the world. Sure they may make you *feel* better, but
it's a drug induced better. That's somehow artificial, and less real than
really healing. These people see mood altering drugs as a crutch, and
they are determined to be strong enough to not use the crutch.
There are good points in both of these positions. On the one hand, this
recovery stuff is hard! Why make it harder by not taking something that
will help? On the other hand, drugs would seem to take some of the
control out of one's life. For survivors for whom control is a serious
issue, there is reason not to take these medications.
There is much more to this issue than is presented here. Talk with your
therapist or doctor about the effects of these drugs, and do some serious
thinking as to why you would want to/not want to take them. You should
probably also read the section below on common medications prescribed to
survivors (section 6.4).
Another theory is that people who were abused as children often have
been taught (by their abusers, or by others who have denied the child's
experiences as being valid) that they are bad people, who should by all
rights be punished. Sometimes people like this turn to behaviors like
sado-masochism, or bondage-and-dominance in order to get the punishment
that they want. Others can't ask others to punish them, so they punish
themselves with cutting.
A third theory is that cutting is a manifestation of a desire to
become physically unattractive. This is often true of girls who are
constantly bombarded with messages (overt and subtle) that they are
beautiful and therefore desirable. They naturally reason that if they
make themselves unattractive, no one will rape them because they will be
undesirable. This chain of reasoning can also lead to compulsive eating
behaviors that leave the abuse victim overweight and thus outside of what
this society calls attractive.
Of course, every person is different, and there are many less common
theories as to why people are cutters. If you are a cutter and don't fit
any of the above models, so what? That doesn't mean your situation is
fundamentally different or less valid. Also, it is common for more than
one of these thought patterns acting in concert to produce some very
complicated rationales for self-mutilation. These desires can be quite
strong, and often a cutter will not know why s/he indulges in such
behavior. I didn't know why I cut myself for a long time; all I knew was
that it hurt but I really couldn't stop myself. I liked the pain, because
it meant that I was strong. Strong enough to overcome my own natural
instinct to avoid pain, and strong enough to endure the pain without
crying out. For me, there was something about seeing real red blood
coming out of lines in my skin that made me feel very alive (a powerful
thing during a time in my life when I felt/wished otherwise that I was
dead).
Cutting is damage. By cutting you injure your body. This is not a
good thing. Your body is important. It's the only one you've got and it
should be taken care of. It would be harder to live a fully happy life
with a damaged body, especially if part of that damage you did yourself.
Cutting is abuse. As a sexual abuse survivor, you've already been
subjected to more abuse than anyone should be. Your abusers hurt you, why
should you heap more abuse on yourself? You don't deserve that kind of
crap.
By cutting yourself, you're buying into an unhealthy behavior pattern
that was taught to you when you were a child. What happened to you then
was wrong, and perpetuating that behavior pattern now isn't healthy for
you either. There may be some security in familiarity, but most people
agree that it's not worth the heartache.
Cutting often stems from a desire for control. Take real control of
your life and yourself and stop.
I was a cutter. Here is what made me stop. First, I *wanted* to
stop. That's important, because I believe that you can't change your own
behavior unless you want to. I knew that it wasn't healthy. I would get
stressed out, cut myself, feel better, and then feel shameful and guilty.
Finally, a good friend of mine talked some sense into me and made me
realize that I was just giving myself more abuse. Until then, I hadn't
realized that's what I was doing. I decided that I would just not let
myself do it any more. I simply and stubbornly refused. I've always had
problems with self control, and breaking promises to myself, so this was a
good test for me, one which I'm proud to say I passed. One thing that
helped me not relapse into cutting was finding alternate methods of
releasing stress. Running up and down the stairs in my dorm worked pretty
well for me. There were times after I decided to stop when I wanted to
cut myself, and had I not had established alternate things to do to
relieve stress, I probably would have given in. Don't get the idea that
merely deciding not to cut myself anymore was all it took to remove the
impulses and desire to do so; far from it. It took a few months of doing
other things when faced with that impulse to change my behavior pattern.
That's my story. I hope it and the other information helps you or
someone you know to become a healthier and happier person.
Perhaps something that you say may seem stupid or irrelevant to you but
might help someone else. Frequently in the group people will say, "Thanks
for sharing--this really helped me" or "It's good to know I'm not alone."
You never know until you post! Even if it does not help someone else,
many of us have found that writing about our feelings and experiences on
the net is very therapeutic. We come to validate ourselves and what we've
gone through. We grow in self-understanding. Others may write and give
us support, and we do the same for them. It's OK to talk here. We'll
listen.
It is important to realize that you are not obligated to forgive anyone
for anything, ever. If someone hurts you, it is completely up to you to
decide whether or not to forgive them. A lot of the time people will want
you to forgive so they can absolve themselves of responsibility for what
they did. If you forgive them, they don't have to feel bad about it.
If forgiving them is something you want to do, then do it. If you think
it is something that will, for whatever reason, help *you* then by all
means forgive. But if you are being pressured from outside sources, or you
just don't want to forgive that person, then don't. You don't have to.
Forgiving is in some sense a way of saying "what you did to me was
alright." There's nothing wrong with not wanting to send that message to
your abuser.
So *should* you forgive your abuser? No. Can you? Sure, if it's what
you want.
Another contact that would probably provide a quicker response, would
be the local police department. The problem here is that unless you have
immediate proof of abuse (IE: Bruises, scratches, hospital records, etc)
the local police probably will have their hands tied, and attempt to put
you off onto another service and let them deal with the matter. On the
other hand, the local police are the people you want to call in case of an
emergency and the victim of the abuse needs to be removed from a situation
IMMEDIATELY. The police will respond extremely quickly if someone is in
immediate danger.
The initial reporting of the incident doesn't have to be that
complicated, and either DCFS or the local police will direct you to
further people you can and may wish to contact. After working at a public
High School in Illinois, I can assure you that this is the procedure that
all teachers in Illinois are required to follow *BY LAW*, although they
also have the option of calling another anonymous agency that collects
information of this nature for further investigation.
The National Victim Center offers networking, information, referrals, a
newsletter, and a manual for starting self-help programs. They work
extensively with the way the media deals with victims of violent crimes
and they are currently collecting information on ritualistic child abuse.
S-Anon
VOICES In Action, Inc.
Bass, Ellen and Laura Davis:
"Allies in Healing" A courage to heal book for the SO's or support
people of survivors.
I would recommend this book because it has little or no ax to grind, is
non- judgmental, is written by survivors and has lots of survivor stuff in
it and, most important for me, shows me what surviving is. I finally
admitted my abuse after reading it and got into therapy, until then I was
"Perfect". I recommend this book to anyone who even thinks that they, or
some one they know may have been abused. (IMHO-- PANDA)
Bradshaw, John. "Healing The Shame That Binds You" and "The Family, and
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"
Mellody, Pia. "Facing Codependence" and "Breaking Free: A Workbook For
Facing Codependence"
Allen, Charlotte Vale. "Daddy's Girl", Berkeley, 1980.
Bagley, Cristopher & King, Kathleen. "Child Sexual Abuse -- The Search
for Healing" Publisher Tavistock Routledge ISBN 0-415-00606-6
Beattie, Melody. "Co-Dependent No More," Hazelden, 1987.
Brady, Katherine. "Father's Days," Dell, 1981.
Black, Claudia. "It Will Never Happen to Me: Children of Alcoholics,"
MAC Publishing, 1981.
Blume, Sue. "Secret Survivors," 1990.
Butler, Sandra. "Conspiracy of Silence: The Trauma of Incest," Volcano
Press,
1978; updated 1985.
Calhoun, Mary. "Ownself"
Courtois, Christine A. "Healing the Incest Wound" W.W.Norton & Co., New
York, New York, 1988.
Crewdson, John. "By Silence Betrayed: Sexual Abuse of Children in
America," Little Brown, 1988.
Crosson-Tower, Cynthia. "Secret Scars: A Guide for Survivors of Child
Sexual Abuse," Viking, 1988.
Daugherty, Lynn. "Why Me?" Mother Courage Press, 1984.
Engel, Beverly. "The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood
Sexual Abuse,"
Finkelhor, David. "Child Sexual Abuse," The Free Press, 1984.
Forward, Susan and Buck, Craig. "Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its
Devastation," Penguin Books, 1979.
Fraser, Sylvia. "My Father's House: A Memoir of Incest and of Healing,"
Ticknor & Fields.
Gil, Eliana. "Outgrowing the Pain," Launch Press, 1984.
Grahn, Judy. "Another Mother Tongue : Gay Words Gay Worlds"
Grubman-Black, Stephen D. "Broken Boys/Mending Men" Ivy Books, $4.99
(us) Copyright 1990
Hancock, Maxine and Mains, Karen Burton. "Child Sexual Abuse: A Hope for
Healing," Harold Shaw Publishers, 1987.
Hartmann, Ernest. "The nightmare: the psychology and biology of
terrifying dreams"
Herman, Judith Lewis. "Father-Daughter Incest," Harvard University
Press, 1982.
Kaufman, Gershen. "Shame, The Power of Caring," Schenkman Books, 1980.
Kempe, Ruth S. and Kempe, C. Henry. "Child Abuse," Harvard
University Press, 1978.
*Lackey, Mercedes. "Last Herald Mage Trilogy"; "Magic's Pawn" UK:
0-140-16751-X, "Magic's Promise" 0-886-77401-2, UK: 0-140-16752-8,
"Magic's Price" UK: 0-140-16753-6. Also the "Vows & Honor" series "The
Oathbound" 0-88677-414-4, "Oathbreakers" 0-88677-454-3. Also the "Heralds
of Valdemar" series; "Arrows of the Queen" 0-88677-378-4, "Arrow's Flight"
0-88677-377-6, "Arrow's Fall" 0-88677-400-4 All of these books feature
characters who are survivors of abuse.
The SERRAted Edge series, cowritten with various authors, deals with abuse
issues in places. "Born to Run" (Larry Dixon) 0-671-72110-0, "Wheels of Fire"
(Mark Sheperd) 0-671-72138-0, "When the Bough Breaks" (Holly Lisle)
0-671-72154-2. The other books in this series touch on abuse, but do not
focus on it; "Chrome Circle" (Larry Dixon) 0-671-87615-5, "Tempus Fugit"
(Larry Dixon) (1995). Also in this series, "Elvendude" (Mark Sheperd)
0-671-87630-9.
Thanks to Discord for pointing out "SERRAted Edge" and the maintainer of
the Alt.Books.M-Lackey FAQ (Melissa Tabbifli
Lew, Mike. "Victims No Longer" This is a survivors book aimed at male
survivors.
Mendelson, Wallace B. "Human sleep: research and clinical care"
Morris, Michele. "If I Should Die Before I Wake," Dell, 1982.
Murray, Kathleen & Gough, David A. (Eds). "Intervening in Child Sexual
Abuse" Scottish Academic Press ISBN 0 7073 0565 9
Norwood, Robin and Tarcher, Jeremy. "Women Who Love Too Much," 1985.
Poston, Carol and Lison, Karen. "Reclaiming Our Lives: Hope for Adult
Survivors of Incest," Little Brown, 1989.
Peck, M. Scott. "The Road Less Travelled," Simon & Schuster, 1978.
Pellauer, Mary, et al., eds. "Sexual assault and abuse : a handbook for
clergy and religious professionals" San Francisco, Harper, c1987.
Renvoize, Jean. "Incest: A Family Pattern," Routledge & Kegan Paul,
1982.
Subby, Robert. "Healing the Family Within." Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, Inc., 1990.
Walsh, Barent W. & Rosen, Paul M. "Self-Mutilation: Theory, Research, &
Treatment" The Guilford Press, New York, New York, 1988.
Charles, Whitfield. "Healing the Child Within" Deerfield Beach, FL:
Health Communications, Inc., 1987, 1989.
Wholey, Dennis. "Becoming Your Own Parent" New York: Doubleday, 1988
and Bantam Books, 1990.
Willams, Robert L.; Karacan, Ismet; and Moore, Constance A. "Sleep
disorders: diagnosis and treatment"
Wilson, Paul. "Instant Calm: Over 100 easy-to-use techniques for relaxing
mind and body" Plume/Penguin. ISBN 0-452-27433-8
"Incest-related syndromes of adult psychopathology", (copyright 1990)
Americian Psychiatric Association
"I Never Told Anyone: A collection of Writings by Women Survivors
of Child Sexual Abuse," Harper&Row, 1983.
"Adults Molested As Children: A Survivor's Manual For Women and Men"
Safer Society Press, 1988.
G.S. Goodman, E. P. Taub, D. P. H. Jones, P. England, L. K. Port, L.
Rudy, and L. Prado, with commentaries by J. E. B. Myers and G. B. Milton
"Testifying in Criminal Court: Emotional Effects of Criminal Court
Testimony on Child Sexual Assault Victims" This monograph can be ordered
at: (Order Department; 11030 S. Langley Ave. Chicago, IL 60628). It is
monograph #227 (Vol. 57, no. 5), 1992. ISBN:0-226-30323-3.
Rowland. "The Ultimate Violation" Doubleday, 1985.
5.5.1.3 Fraternities and Rape (by Ted Frank) (Last Updated 5/95)
Bausell and Maloy, "The links among drugs, alcohol, and campus crime: A
research report," Paper presented at the Fourth National Conference
on Campus Violence, Towson, MD.
Erhart and Sandler "Campus gang rape: Party Games?" Association of
American Colleges, 1985.
Garrett-Gooding and Senter, "Attitudes and acts of sexual aggression on
a university campus," Sociological Inquiry (1987) 59:348-71.
Hughes and Sandler, "Friends raping friends: Could it happen to you?"
Association of American Colleges, 1987.
Kanin, "Reference groups and sex conduct norm violations," Sociological
Quarterly (1967), 8:495-504.
Parrot and Bechhofer "Acquaintance Rape: The Hidden Crime" Wiley, 1991.
[This anthology of papers has several articles mentioning the
link between fraternities and rape. See especially Chris
O'Sullivan's paper.]
Sanday "Fraternity Gang Rape" NYU Press, 1990. [This book somehow seems
to have mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of nearly every
college library. Case study of a number of fraternities at the
University of Pennsylvania. Also details relationship between
male bonding and female objectification.]
Warshaw "I Never Called It Rape" Harper & Row, 1988.
Geis, "Group sexual assaults," Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality (May
1971), 101-13.
Medea and Thompson "Against Rape" Farrar, Straus, & Giroux (1974).
See also Erhart and Sandler, supra, and O'Sullivan in Parrot and Bechhofer,
supra.
In no particular order:
"Living with Your Selves" by Sandra Hocking
"The Three Faces of Eve" by Corbett Thigpen and Harvey Cleckley
"I'm Eve" by Chris Costner Sizemore and Elen Sain Patillo
"A Mind of My Own" by Chris Costner Sizemore
"The Flock" by Joan Frances Casey
"Prism, Andrea's World" by Jonathan Bliss and Eugene Bliss
"The Obsidian Mirror" by Louise Wisechild
"Jennifer and Her Selves" by Gerald Schoenewolf
"The Fractured Mirror" by C. W. Duncan
"Uncovering the Mystery of MPD" by James Friesen
"More Than Survivors" by James Friesen
"My Lives" by Roseanne Arnold
"The Family Inside" by Doris Bryant, Judy Kessler, and Lynda Shirar
"The Infinite Boundary" by D. Scott Rogo
"Through Divided Minds" by Robert Mayer
"Satan's Children" by Robert Mayer
"Suffer the Child" by Judith Spencer
"Katherine, It's Time" by Kit Castel and Stefan Bechtel
"Voices" by Trula Michaels LaCalle
Fiction:
"Not the End of the World" by Rebecca Stowe
"All Around the Town" by Mary Higgins Clark
"When the Bough Breaks" by Mercedes Lackey and Holly Lisle
(original list begins here. -v)
Braun, B.G. "Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder" American
Psychiatric Press, Washington, DC, 1986.
Chase, Truddi. "When Rabbit Howls" E. P. Dutton, New York, New York, 1987.
Cohen, Barry M.; Giller, Esther; and W., Lynn. "Multiple Personality
Disorder from the Inside Out" The Sidran Press, Baltimore, Maryland, l991.
Crabtree, Adam "Multiple Man: Explorations in Possession & Multiple
Personality" Holt, Rinehart & Winston, New York, New York, 1985.
Gil, Eliana. "United We Stand: A Book for People with Multiple
Personalities" Launch Press, California, 1990.
Hilgard, Ernest R. "Divided Consciousness: Multiple Controls in Human
Thought and Action" John Wiley & Sons, New York, 1987.
Keyes, D. "The Minds of Billy Milligan" Random House, New York, New York,
1981.
Kluft, Richard P. "Childhood Antecedents of Multiple Personality"
Mayer, Robert. "Through Divided Minds: Probing the Mysteries of Multiple
Personalities -- A Doctor's Story" Doubleday, New York, New York, 1988.
Putnam, Frank W. "Diagnosis and Treatment of Multiple Personality
Disorder" Guilford Press, New York, New York, 1989.
Ross, Colin A. "Multiple Personality Disorder: Diagnosis, Clinical
Features, and Treatment" John Wiley & Sons, New York, New York, 1989.
Schreiber, Flora Rheta "Sybil" Warner Books, New York, New York, l973.
The following is written from a survivor's point of view and is completely
unmodified. I can neither confirm nor deny the reality of RA and SRA.
What is a ritual?
A ritual is an action that has symbolic meaning. It may be
private, like taking a good luck charm to an exam, or public (socially
shared), like saluting the flag.
Rituals may be reserved for rare occasions --- births, unions,
deaths, changes of social status --- or may be used daily --- saying
grace or gesundheit, kissing a child goodnight.
What is ritual abuse? (Broad definition)
Ritual abuse is the abuse of a child, weaker adult, or animal in
a ritual setting or manner.
In a broad sense, many of our overtly or covertly socially
sanctioned actions can be seen as ritual abuse, such as army boot
military basic training, hazing, racism, spanking children, and
partner-battering.
Some abuse is private (Jeffrey Dahmer, for example), some public.
Public ritual abuse may be either open or secret.
What is ritual abuse? (Narrow definition)
The term ritual abuse is generally used to mean prolonged,
extreme, sadistic abuse, especially of children, within a group setting.
The group's ideology is used to justify the abuse, and abuse is used to
teach the group's ideology. The activities are kept secret from society
at large, as they violate norms and laws.
What ideologies are used to justify ritual abuse?
Any ideology can be twisted or adapted to abusive ends. In the
United States, Canada, and Europe, people have reported being ritually
abused under the banner of satanism, christianity, various pagan and
pantheistic belief systems, white supremacy movements, nazism, Santeria,
voodoo, etc. At the present time, satanism is either the most common
ideology under which ritual abuse is practiced, or it is receiving the
most attention.
Who perpetrates ritual abuse?
Ritual abuse is perpetrated by men and women from all walks of
life and geographical areas, both rural and urban. The percent of the
population that perpetrates or that is victimized is unknown.
Perpetrators have been classified as:
(1) Family or Transgenerational: Adults, who were abused as
children, in turn abuse and indoctrinate their own children. The
tradition can go back for generations.
(2) Extra-familiar: Adults abuse non-related children. Children
can be accessed at day care, schools, church, or through social groups.
(3) Ad hoc groups: Adults, who may or may not have had abusive
childhoods, come together and form a new group with its own ideology and
rituals. Teens are thought to comprise many such ad hoc groups.
What kinds of abuse occur?
Physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual abuse can all occur.
Physical abuse can occur as beatings, electroshock, torture, confinement,
forced ingestion of drugs, blood, and feces. Emotional abuse involves
trickery, deceit, and blaming the victim. Sadistic sex with children and
non-consenting adults and forced perpetration of sexual abuse are forms
that sexual abuse can take. Spiritual abuse can manifest as perversion
of good and evil, a destruction-based morality, and the denial of freedom
of thought.
What are the main 'holidays' when ritual abuse occurs?
Christian-derived groups observe the major Christian holidays:
Christmas, Lent, Easter, etc. The Jewish holidays may also be observed.
Pagan-derived groups observe the pagan holidays. Groups
originating in northern and western Europe observe the winter and summer
solstice (12/21 and 6/21) and the spring and fall equinox (3/21 and
9/21). Four holidays fall between each solstice and equinox. They are:
Candlemas (2/2), Beltane (5/1), Lammas (8/2) and Samhain, or Halloween
(10/31).
(The solstices and equinoxes do not always fall exactly on the
21st of the month. Some holidays, especially Beltane and Samhain, are
often observed for more than one day.)
Many groups blend traditions. Santeria is a blend of African
traditions and Catholicism. Satanism is a blend of paganism and
Christian traditions. Groups with blended traditions often celebrate two
or three sets of holidays.
In addition, secular holidays, such as members' birthdays,
Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, and
Independence Day (in the United States) are often marked.
Some groups mark dates that are symbolically significant to that
particular group, such as, a leader's birthday, the anniversary of some
achievement, or a particular year with numerical significance to the
group. There is a fair amount of variation among similar groups.
Why do so few people believe ritual abuse survivors?
First, abusive groups have a very large stake in remaining
undetected, and they keep their secrets well. Second, abusive groups
terrorize their victims into silence. And third, society as a whole does
not want to believe that its norms and laws have been so blatantly and
extremely violated, so society turns its back in denial.
Are there any laws against ritual abuse?
In all states and Canadian provinces, there are laws against
particular physical acts committed during ritual abuse. These include
murder, rape, sexual contact with children, kidnapping, assault and
battery, cruelty to animals, vandalism, and defilement of corpses. Other
countries have laws against most, if not all, of these actions. In some
states, additional penalties can be imposed if it can be proved that the
criminal act was motivated by hate of a particular group.
Ritual abuse can also lead to peripheral crimes, such as income
tax evasion, crossing state boundaries or using the mail to commit a
crime, money laundering, prostitution, pimping and pandering, creation,
distribution and possession of child pornography, selling and possession
of illegal drugs, and conspiracy to commit crimes.
In addition, four states have passed laws against the ritual abuse of
children, specifying particular acts or simulations of acts that are
common in ritual abuse. They are written in such a way that no group's
freedom of religion is attacked. These states are: Illinois, Idaho, Texas,
and Louisiana. Massachusetts and Florida are working on legislation
against ritual child abuse. California and Utah are establishing ritual
abuse task forces.
With these laws, why aren't there more convictions?
The problem is not one of lack of laws, it is one of credibility.
Police and prosecutors often believe that these cases cannot be
successfully prosecuted, because juries will discount all evidence once
any testimony about religion, ideology, or conspiracy has been
introduced. In fact, many juries have found defendants not guilty on the
basis of witnesses not being credible.
Many people believe that there have been no convictions for abuse
involving rituals This is not true: convictions have been obtained in
many states (OR, NC, TX, NV, FL, IA, NJ, [Reaching Out, 4/93]) and
foreign countries. Statements that no convictions have been obtained, or
that convictions are based on hysteria and a 'witch hunt mentality' are
disinformation tactics.
What are the symptoms of ritual abuse in children and adults?
Most symptoms are non-specific to ritual abuse. Trauma is
trauma, and physical and sexual abuse are physical and sexual abuse.
Because the abuse is so severe, the symptoms may also be severe and
recalcitrant.
Symptoms that are suggestive of ritual abuse are either a fascination with
or a phobia of objects, events, or symbols specific to ritual abuse and
not generally encountered in other types of physical and sexual abuse.
Examples of symbols include crosses, crucifixes, pentagrams (stars), eyes,
"magick" and "occult" symbols, certain numbers, and certain colors.
Objects provoking fascination or phobia can include blood, knives,
electricity, coffins, dolls, babies, and certain animals. Events similar
to abusive events may also provoke extreme reactions. These include the
holidays observed by the cult, medical and dental procedures, and child
birth or abortion.
Could you say something about recovery from ritual abuse?
I (just one idiosyncratic survivor) do not like the words recovery
and healing. They imply to me that things can be repaired, and thus
minimize the experience of ritual abuse. If I can be fixed,
it wasn't all that bad.
Instead, I prefer to think about how I can live with my past in a
different way. I prefer to examine my relationship with extreme evil, the
concepts of free will and coercion, the structure of the mind, the nature
of connectedness with life and with other humans. My goals are increased
knowledge of my past and of my internal structure, increased flexibility
of thought, and increased control over my own behavior.
Many RA survivors passionately declare that they have an individual path
that they must follow. Others are able to grasp the guidance of religion,
twelve-step movements, or therapy, and adopt these concepts as their own.
Every person's path is unique, just as every person is unique. In general,
I think that there are several factors that aid in living with the reality
of this extreme kind of abuse. First is a willingness, conscious or
unconscious, to break the ties that bind us to violence. Second is the
strength and luck to get away, physically. And then there are imprecise
terms, such as soul or love or guiding spirit, that cannot be defined, but
which shape our stance to ourselves and to the world.
Do you have any advice for other survivors trying to heal?
Trust yourself, whether you think you exist or not. Learn all you can, at
your own pace. Discard ideas and people that feel demeaning or violent.
Try and remember that, given your past experiences, every day that you do
not kill, rape, or maim another person (and that includes yourself!) or
animal is a triumph. And your triumph, added to others, is the only hope
we have of stopping the carnage.
How can I be sure my memories are of real events?
If you have outside confirmation, like photographs or somebody else's
diary, or if another survivor independently remembers the same event, you
can be pretty sure the events actually happened. It's harder to decide
without outside evidence.
What you remember is a terrified child's best guess at what was happening
at the time. The accuracy of your assessment of the situation at the time
depended on how frightened you were, how old you were, how drugged, how
deeply hypnotized, how sleep deprived. It also depended on whether the
perpetrators were trying to trick you, and how skillful they were at
deception.
While any one particular feature of a memory may not be historically
accurate, you would not be having ritual abuse memories unless something
really did happen to you. Non-abused people do not have flashbacks or
memories of ritual abuse events. They may have a nightmare after a horror
film, or an image they read about or saw may haunt them for a while, but
they do not suffer from persistent images with ritual abuse content.
If you have a specific item you would like to see in the RA FAQ, write
rahome@xroads.com
Original book list compiled by Jeannie on 5/01/93, additions 6/95. - kws
Angebert, Jean Michel "The Occult and the Third Reich" Macmillan, 1984.
Appel, Willa "Cults in America: Programmed for Paradise" Holt, Rinehart &
Winston, New York, New York, 1983.
Baskin, Wade "Satanism" Citadel Press, Secaucus, New Jersey, 1972.
Brown, Dee "The Treatment of Satanic Ritual Abuse Survivors: A Therapist's
Handbook" Privately published, 800 Grant St., Suite 510, Denver CO, 1991.
Brown, Rebecca "He Came To Set the Captives Free" Chick Publications, Chino,
California, 1986.
Bubeck, Mark I. "The Adversary" Moody Press, 1975.
Bubeck, Mark I. "Overcoming the Adversary" Moody Press, 1984.
Carr, Joseph "The Twisted Cross" Huntington House, 1985.
Cavendish, Richard "The Black Arts" Wideview/Perigree (The Putnam Publishing
Group), New York, New York, l967.
* The Church of All World's booklet, "Witchcraft, Satanism and Occult
Crime: Who's Who and What's What" (4th Edition 1994, $5 from Green Egg,
Box 1542, Ukiah, CA 95482)
Cirlot, J.E. "A Dictionary of Symbols" Philosophical Press, 1962.
Conde, Nicholas "The Believers" Signet Books, 1982.
Cook, Caren "Understanding Ritual Abuse: Through a Study of Thirty-Three
Ritual Abuse Survivors from Thirteen Different States" Privately printed,
Ritual Abuse Project, Sacramento CA, 1991.
Crewdson, John "By Silence Betrayed" Little Brown & Co., Boston, MA.,1988.
Crowther, P. "Lid off the Cauldron" Samuel Weiser, Inc., 1985.
Davis, Wade "The Serpent and the Rainbow" Simon and Schuster, New York,
New York, 1985.
Finklehor, David "Nursery Crimes" Sage Press, Newbury Park, CA, 1988.
Hassan, Steven "Combatting Cult Mind Control" Park Street Press,
Rochester, Vermont, 1988.
Hollingsworth, Jan "Unspeakable Acts" Congdon & Weed, 1986.
Hudson, Pamela S. "Ritual Chld Abuse: Discovery, Diagnosis and Treatment"
R&E Publishers, Saratoga, CA, 1991.
Kahner, Larry "Cults That Kill: Probing the World of Occult Crime" Random
House, 1988.
Kendrick, Martyn "Anatomy of a Nightmare: The Failure of Society in
Dealing with Child Abuse" Macmillan, 1988.
Marks, Isaac M. "Fears, Phobias, and Rituals" Oxford University Press,
1987.
Marron, Kevin. "Ritual Abuse: Canada's Most Infamous Trial on Child Abuse"
Seal Press, 1988.
Michaelson, Johanna "Like Lambs to the Slaughter" Harvest House, Eugene,
Oregon, 1989.
Nugent, Christopher "Masks of Satan" Sheed & Ward., 1983.
Parkin, David "The Anthropology of Evil" Oxford, 1985.
Peck, M. Scott "People of the Lie" Simon & Schuster, 1983.
Raschke, Carl A. "Painted Black: From Drug Killings to Heavy Metal -- the
Alarming True Story of How Satanism is Terrorizing Our Communities"
Harper & Row, San Francisco, California, 1990.
Reynolds, M. "The Reality - The Truths About Satanic/Ritualistic Abuse and
Multiple Personality Disorder" Privately printed, P.O.Box 68l83, Portland
Oregon, 97268.
Ridgeway, James "Blood in the Face: The Ku Klux Klan, Aryan Nations, Nazi
Skinheads, and the Rise of a New White Culture" Thunder's Mouth Press, New
York, New York, l990.
Russell, Jeffrey Burton "Mephistopheles: The Devil in the Modern World"
Cornell University Press, 1986.
Ryder, David "Breaking the Circle of Ritual Satanic Abuse: Recognizing and
Recovering from the Hidden Trauma" CompCare Publishers, Minneapolis, MI
55441,
Sakheim, David K., & Devine, Susan E. "Out of Darkness: Exploring Satanism
& Ritual Abuse" Lexington Books (Maxwell MacMillan International), New
York, New York, l992.
Seth, Ronald "In the Name of the Devil" Harrolds Publishers, 1977.
Sklar, Dusty "The Nazis and the Occult" Dorset Press, New York, New York,
l977.
Smith, Michelle, & Pazder, Lawrence "Michelle Remembers" Pocket Books
(Simon & Schuster), New York, New York, 1980.
Spencer, Judith "Suffer the Child" Pocket Books (Simon & Schuster), New
York, New York, 1989.
Stratford, Lauren "Satan's Underground" Harvest House, Eugene, Oregon,
1988.
Symonds, John "The Great Beast" Rider & Co., 1951.
Terry, Maury "The Ultimate Evil: An Investigation into a Dangerous Satanic
Cult" Bantam Books, New York, New York, 1987.
* Victor, Jeffrey S. "Satanic Panic: The Creation of a Contemporary
Legend" Open Court, 1993
Warnke, Mike "The Satan Seller" Bridge Publishing, Inc., South
Plainsfield, New Jersey, 1972.
Warnke, Rose Hall "The Great Pretender" Starburst, 1985.
Wedge, Thomas W. "The Satan Hunter" Daring Books, Canton, Ohio, 1988.
"Sexual Abuse, Disordered Personality and Eating Disorders"
McClelland, L., Mynors-Wallis, L., Fahy, T.
The British Journal Of Psychiatry. MAY 01 1991 v 158 sup10, page 63
"Relation of Sexual Abuse and Bulimia in College Women"
Beckman, K.A., Burns, G.L.
The International Journal of Eating Disorders. SEP 01 1990 v 9 n 5, page 487
"Health Risk Behaviors and Attempted Suicide in Adolescents Who Report Prior
Maltreatment"
Riggs, S., Aario, A.J., McHorney, C.
The Journal of Pediatrics. MAY 01 1990 v 116 n 5, page 815
"Childhood Sexual Experiences With Adults by Women With Eating Disorders"
Palmer, R.L., Oppenheimer, R., Dignon, A.
The British Journal Of Psychiatry. MAY 01 1990 v 156, page 699
"Are Child Sexual Experiences Related to Eating-disordered Attitudes and
Behaviors in a College Sample?" Smolak, L., Levine, M.P., Sullins, E.
The International Journal of Eating Disorders. MAR 01 1990 v 9 n 2, page 167
"Sexual Experience and Eating Problems in Female Undergraduates"
Calam, R.M., Slade, P.D.
The International Journal of Eating Disorders. JUL 01 1989 v 8 n 4, page 391
"Group treatment of sexual abuse among women with eating disorders"
Kearney-Cooke, Ann
Women & Therapy. 1988 v 7 n 1, page 5
"Sexual Problems Are Linked To Eating Disorders In Men"
American Family Physician, 31:120, Apr. 1985,
"Sexual Conflict and Eating Disorders In 27 Males"
Herzog, David B, D. Norman, C. Gordon,
American Journal of Psychiatry, 141:989-90, Aug. 1984
SLEEP AND STRESS DISORDERS
"Control-Related Beliefs and Sleep Characteristics of Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder Patients"
Mikulincer, M., Glaubman, H., Wasserman, O.
Psychological Reports. OCT 01 1989 v 65 n 2, page 567
"Hypnotic Treatment of Sleep Terror Disorder"
Koe, G. Gerald
American Journal Of Clinical Hypnosis. JUL 01 1989 v 32 n 1, page 36
"Sleep Studies and Neurochemical Correlates In Panic Disorder and
Agoraphobia"
Pecknold, J.C., Luthe, L.
Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology & Biological. 1990 v 14 n 5, page 753
"Electroencephalographic Sleep in Panic Disorder"
Mellman, Thomas A., Unde, Thomas W.
Archives Of General Psychiatry. FEB 01 1989 v 46 n 2, page 178
The Cutting Edge
A newsletter for women living with self-inflicted violence.
POB 20819
Cleveland, OH 44120
A magazine mailed throughout the world, for women survivors of
childhood sexual abuse.
Above A Whisper
P.O.Box 2588
Ann Arbor, MI 48108
Many Voices
P.O.Box 2639
Cincinnati, OH 45201-2639
A bi-monthly self-help publication for people with multiple personality
and dissociative disorders.
Kids USA
P.O.Box 25
Walled Lake, MI 48390
Ph. 1-800-KIDS-025
Group addresses child sexual abuse by monitoring courts, judges,
politicians, ...and offering community education.
Sexual Assault Services Resource Directory and Guide, Third Edition Free
to ORGANIZATIONS (I don't know how an individual gets one, if at all)
Includes a bibliography, a section on the rights of survivors, and a list
of service providers throughout the state (presumably Michigan). Send name
of organization, address, and telephone number to: Sexual Assault
Information Network of Michigan, P.O.Box 20122, Lansing, MI 48901
Research Study on female survivors of incest, focusing on their
relationships with other women, e.g. friends and mothers... Amy Newman,
M.A., (313)459-5815
All of the following phone numbers exist within the USA unless otherwise
indicated.
Ann Arbor Center for the Family (313) 995-5181
IMPACT
* Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827), beaten by his drunk father, who
coerced him to practice his music and excel at it. Sexual abuse of the
young Beethoven has also been suggested. Some feel that Beethoven's music
expresses anger at his abuse and against hypocrisy in the upper class
which financially supported him. His music is also admired for the joy,
compassion, sorrow, tenderness, courage and love it expresses - all human
emotions essential to life.
* Johannes Brahms (1833-1897) - famous German composer, sexually abused by
prostitutes in a bar, which his parents used as his "child care"
facility. He performed piano in the bar and was molested there in a
years-long pattern of abuse. Late in life he confessed his inability to
relate to women or to perform sexually. In the book THE UNKNOWN BRAHMS, he
suggested that his general hostility towards women (he had very few female
friends and never married, though he was evidently heterosexual) was from
the abuse he endured from women when he was a child.
Franz Kafka - nailed his perp in "The Trial;" there is a courtroom in
every attic, and we have to climb on the bed to get there,
because that's the *only* way out of the attic. In the end,
we die of shame.
* Anne Sexton - famous and prolific American poet, sexually abused in
childhood. She committed suicide in early adulthood, years before the
existence of any support groups or recovery-oriented therapies for
survivors of child sexual abuse. She discussed her abuse in psychoanalysis
and some of the tapes have been published in a book.
* Sylvia Plath - famous American poet, sexually abused in childhood. She
committed suicide in early adulthood, years before any support groups or
recovery-oriented therapies were available for survivors of child sexual
abuse.
* Anais Nin - French-American surrealist author, best known for her
published diaries. Physically abused and sexually harrassed by her father
from infancy, she dealt with her issues in a variety of unusual, creative
ways. As a young woman she had an affair with her father for several
months. Always striving after idealistic beauty and artistic fulfillment,
Nin's fiction is nonetheless filled with realistic descriptions of
physical and sexual child abuse--her own, and that experienced by her
husband and friends.
* Virginia Woolf - famous and brilliant American author, sexually abused
as a young girl. She committed suicide in middle age.
Oprah Winfrey - Talk show host. Came forward with her brother's (and
father's?) abuse of her on her network television show.
Sybil - Famous multiple personality case.
Roseanne Barr Arnold - Comedienne, star of the TV show _Roseanne_, also a
multiple personality as shown in her book _My Lives_.
Tom Arnold (Roseanne's husband) - Both Tom and Roseanne have talked about
their abuse on national television. Tom
has also discussed confronting his perp.
LaToya Jackson - Singer in the famous "Jackson Five" musical group, and
independent pop singer. She, and allegedly the whole
Jackson crew, was abused by her father Joe Jackson.
Nathaniel Hawthorne - American author, 1804-1864, famed for writing "The
Scarlet Letter," a novel about adultery (the real
scarlet letter was "I" for incest), and "The
Minister's Black Veil," a novel about a minister's
sexual indiscretions with a lady.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning - English poet, 1806-1861. Author of "How do I
love thee, Let me count the ways..."
Alexander Pushkin - Russian Poet, 1799-1837.
Henry Miller - American writer, 1891-1980.
Virginia Woolf - Playwright and author.
Erin Moran - Actress. Played Joni from the sit-com "Happy Days." Now it
turns out that they weren't so happy after all.
Patty Davis - Daughter of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. Nancy beat her almost
daily from when she was a little girl till she was in
college. Her father (then governor of California) refused to
believe her when she told him.
Alison Anders - Movie producer, recently of "Gas Food Lodging". Gang raped
when she was 12 by a group of age-peers, she has gone on to
use her experiences to create characters for her movies,
and has used them as a form of self-therapy.
Robert Blake - Played the role of "Baretta" on the tv show of the same
name, and has starred in movies such as _In Cold Blood_. Has
recently taken time off from acting to heal from childhood
physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.
Patty Duke Astin - Famous child star of "The Patty Duke Show" and adult
actor. Has starred in an autobiographical movie of her
life and abuse.
Toni Childs - Alternative musician. Artist of the two albums _Union_ and
_House of Hope_. Wrote the survivor-oriented _Daddy's Song_.
Susan Cowsill - Female vocalist in the 1960s family pop group "The
Cowsills." Like LaToya Jackson, was abused by her father.
Sinead O'Connor - Irish singer/songwriter, was physically, sexually and
emotionally abused by her parents. In her songs she's
always expressing the pain she feels and more recently has
been talking about her abuse on almost every occasion.
Tori Amos - American singer/songwriter, was very brutally raped and wrote a
graphic song about it, entitled "Me And A Gun." She also talks
about her abuse in interviews. Tori was granted an award
from the Washington D.C. Rape Crisis Center recently for her
work in recovery
and in her establishment of a nationwide toll-free rape hotline.
In the United States, the Rape Abuse and Incest National
Network (RAINN) hotline number is 800 656-HOPE (800-656-4673).
(See also: rec.music.tori-amos and Really-Deep-Thoughts mailing
list
Queen Elizabeth I of England - The daughter of Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII,
Queen Elizabeth was abused by her stepfather Robert Seymour when
she was 14-16 years old. Afterwards, Elizabeth became very
puritanical, both to protect her reputation and out of fear that
she would be executed for being Seymour's victim. Robert Seymour
was himself later executed (yay!) although for political reasons
rather than over what he had done to Elizabeth.
Please add to this list if you can, and/or supply more info on the people
already listed here.
* Entries were all contributed 6/95 by an anonymous contributor.
Don't do anything that you feel too uncomfortable with. If someone posts
a message saying "You should immediately do ..." and it goes against your
grain, DON'T do it. (Similarly, you may choose to ignore this.) There is
a certain amount of discomfort involved in progress anyway, but you are in
the best position to judge what you can and can't take. You may feel that
a certain course of action is too big a step. That's fine, take it in
smaller steps, as you feel up to it.
Anyone who attempts a recovery deserves respect and support for what they
are attempting. You have my personal best wishes.
If you feel you should give support to someone, but "can't think of the
right words" - just email them a message (or post if they are an anonymous
poster) saying "You have my support," "My thoughts are with you," or "I
wish you well," etc. Sure, it's not THE ANSWER to their problems, but it
is an affirmation that they are not alone in their troubles and that you
do care.
Sometimes we all fall. Sometimes it's just a slip, sometimes it's face
first into the pavement. It's always important to get up, even if you
hurt, BECAUSE you hurt. BUT, you can take your time in getting up, just
keep fighting.
Lastly,Take it easy. That's so easy to say, but with it comes it's
meaning. Take it easy on yourself, congratulate yourself, don't try and
force yourself into something you're not ready for, accept yourself as
being here and now and wanting full recovery.
Rape is shockingly common. A study recently completed by the National
Victim Center and the Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center at the
Medical University of South Carolina reports that there are more than six
times the number of rapes in America than the federal government reports.
This study found that there were more than 683,000 rapes of adult women in
1990. The FBI's uniform crime report listed only 102,560 for that same
period. The U.S. Department of Justice reported 130,000.
This study did not include those under 18, which account for 61% of all
rapes. Had those been included, the total number of rapes would approach
1.75 million. In a single year. Scary stuff. Scarier still when you
consider that these figures do not include male abuse victims. The study
reported that girls under age 11 account for 29.3% of sexual abuse
victims. Those between 11 and 17 constitute 32.2.
Under-reportage of rapes is a problem with the government's statistics.
The data in the National Women's Study was taken from 370 rape crisis
centers across the country. Only 16 percent of the rapes reported to them
were also reported to the police. Dr. Dean Kilpatrick, who directed the
study reported that this low percentage is because victims are concerned
about people inside or outside of their families learning of their
experience, or of the media releasing their names.
Dr. Kilpatrick also stated that the media strongly affects how often rape
and sexual abuse in general are reported. Rape reporting fell off sharply
after the acquittal verdict in the William Kennedy-Smith trial. However,
the conviction in the Mike Tyson case had the reverse effect. Said Dr.
Kilpatrick, "If there had not been a conviction in the Tyson case, there
would probably be very few victims willing to come forward afterwards,"
The consequences of not reporting a rapist to the authorities is high,
however. If the victim maintains silence, it makes it easier for the
rapist to sexually abuse others. The study showed that the average rapist
who is not in jail rapes at least seven women, and that many rapists are
serial rapists. This includes family members who rape their relatives
again and again. The study included data which invalidates the
commonly-held belief that rapists are psychotic strangers who hide in
bushes. The study reported that 78% of perpetrators are people the victim
knew well.
The study showed that the personal consequences of rape are also high.
31% of the women in the study also had post traumatic stress disorder,
resulting in major depression, increased likelihood of suicide attempts
increased drug and alcohol use, difficulty forming relationships, and a
host of other problems.
Canadian statistics are similar. Health and Welfare Canada and the Sexual
Assault Support Centre of Ottowa-Carleton report the following statistics
from the period 1982-1986: One in three males experience some form of
sexual assault or abuse. 75-85% of child sexual molestations involve a
relative. One of every two females are victims of sexual assault or
abuse. 70-80% of incest cases are between father and daughter (although
there is suspicion that this number is too high, because of the
homosexuality stigma associated with father-son or mother-daughter abuse).
The following is a listing of medications sometimes prescribed for
survivors. The listing is by no means complete. Many of these
medications have uses in addition to those listed, and I have included
only the most common and/or most important side effects.
This posting is intended for general informational purposes only. Proper
selection of medication must be done by the physician and the patient,
taking into account the needs of each individual patient. If you have
specific questions about your medication, consult your physician or
pharmacist.
If you are taking a medication which is not on this listing and you would
like to see it added, email me at uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu with the
name of the medication and what you are taking it for, and I'll try to
include it in future versions.
(Reference: _Facts and Comparisons_, J.B. Lippincott Co., St. Louis,
Missouri)
ANTI-ANXIETY AGENTS:
Class: benzodiazepines
Generic Name: oxazepam
Generic Name: prazepam
Generic Name: lorazepam
Generic Name: alprazolam
Generic Name: chlordiazepoxide
Generic Name: diazepam
Generic Name: halazepam
Generic Name: chlorazepate
Generic Name: buspirone
Generic Name: hydroxyzine
Generic Name: meprobamate
Class: tricyclic antidepressants
Generic Name: amitriptyline
Generic Name: nortriptyline
Generic Name: imipramine
Generic Name: doxepin
Generic Name: trimipramine
Generic Name: amoxapine
Generic Name: desipramine
Generic Name: protriptyline
Generic Name: clomipramine
Generic Name: trazodone
Generic Name: fluoxetine
Generic Name: bupropion
Generic Name: isocarboxazid
Generic Name: phenelzine
Generic Name: tranylcypromine
Class: benzodiazepines
Generic Name: estazolam
Generic Name: flurazepam
Generic Name: temazepam
Generic Name: triazolam
Generic Name: quazepam
Generic Name: chloral hydrate
Generic Name: phenobarbital
6.5) Common Symptoms. ( by Jason Black )
[bad self image, anorexia/bulimia and other eating problems, self-abuse,
co-dependancy, obsessive behaviors, nightmares, flashbacks, body memories,
suicide, sexual dysfunction, memory loss, dissociation, etcetera.]
There are a number of common symptoms that people who have been sexually
abused tend to have. If you don't know whether or not you were abused,
this list may help. Please be aware that having some or all of the things
on this list apply to you doesn't mean 100% that you were abused. This is
a guideline. If you remain unsure, you should probably talk with a
therapist who is sensitive to abuse issues.
Bad self image. Abuse victims frequently had the blame for the abuse laid
at their feet. Abuse can be guised as punishment, which leads the child
to conclude that they are bad so they must have deserved it. Sexual abuse
can also give people the impression that all they are good for is sex,
which can ruin their self-esteem.
Anorexia, Bulimia, and other eating problems. Bad self image can lead
people (especially women and adolescent girls) to have all sorts of eating
problems. Bad self image plus society's insistence on "skinny is
beautiful" can lead to anorexia. Other people come to the conclusion that
"if I were unattractive I wouldn't get abused," which can lead to being
overweight. Sometimes people get caught in the middle with bulimia. They
binge on food to make themselves unattractive, and then social pressure
makes them feel guilty for trying to not fit the mold so they purge
afterwards.
Self abuse. There is a whole section in this FAQ list devoted to self-
inflicted abuse. You should probably read it if this is something you do.
Co-dependency. This is when one member of a relationship is dependant on
something (drugs, alcohol, anger, sex, whatever) and the other member
tries to be loving and supportive but just ends up making it easier for
the dependant person to be dependant. The co-dependant person ends up
getting the short end of the stick all the time, spending their energy
being supportive. In the end, neither person is happy. Abuse survivors
often fall into co-dependant roles in relationships later in life.
Obsessive behaviors. Some abuse victims take refuge against their lack of
control over what happens to their bodies by becoming obsessive about some
other aspect of their life. Some people become obsessive organizers,
work-aholics. Some turn to drugs or alcohol as a way of controlling their
moods and emotions.
Nightmares. Nightmares are frequently associated with sexual abuse.
They're not always dreams about abuse, but an abnormally large number of
nightmares can be significant. Certainly if they get in the way of
getting enough sleep, then you have cause to be suspicious. Many people
who haven't had nightmares in the past will begin having them when they
start the recovery process. This is normal and doesn't mean you're going
insane or anything. In fact, paying attention to your nightmares can give
you clues as to which directions you need to take your healing.
Flashbacks. This is one of the nastiest symptoms there are. Flashbacks
can come in response to a situation that is similar to when you were
abused. In the extreme, during a flashback you re-live the abuse situation
in full color stereo surround sound. The whole bit. These can be
extremely scary. People in the real world can take on the roles in your
memories. A flashback is in some sense the ultimate nightmare.
Body memories. These can be described as flashbacks limited to a single
sense. Some examples that have been posted on the asar include feeling
like someone behind you is pushing you down. While driving, feeling like
there's semen in your hair, so much so that you have to stop the car.
Your lover's touch feeling like that of your abuser. Body memories can
give you clues as to what's happened to you if you are lacking specific
memories of your abuse.
Depression. Abuse victims often suffer through nearly unbearable bouts of
depression, the cause of which is frequently unknown if the person has not
yet begun recovery. Mood swings are also common, but more bearable if the
person is aware of the cause and is working to heal.
Suicide attempts. Sometimes the depression, guilt, and/or shame gets to
be too much. Data collected on abuse survivors shows a marked increase in
suicide attempts.
Drug use/abuse. Understandably, when life is difficult, some people
choose to escape via drugs and alcohol use. This relates back to some of
the self-image and control problems mentioned above.
Sexual dysfunction. For fairly self evident reasons, sexual abuse victims
often have trouble forming healthy adult sexual relationships. An
irrational fear of sex is common. Forming relationships based on sex is
common too, because as children, the idea "you're only good for sex" was
impressed upon them.
Memory loss. People who were abused once or twice may have shut out those
particular memories, but otherwise know what's happened in their lives.
People who were chronically abused are often missing months or years from
their memories.
Dissociation. Often described as "losing time", dissociation is when your
conscious mind stops controlling your body, and some other part takes
over. Behaviors vary during dissociative episodes. Some people become
catatonic, others walk and talk in an apparently normal fashion, yet
others act quite differently from their normal. When the event is over,
the person typically doesn't remember what happened during it, and often
doesn't remember some amount of time (usually a few months, sometimes much
longer) before the event. Their mental state is reset to some earlier time
in their life. The person will come out of the event believing that it is
a different season, or that they're in a different place, etc. Almost
always the memories come back, over a period of hours or maybe a couple of
days. (See the Alt.Support.Dissociation FAQ for more information on this.
- Veritas)
Multiple Personalties. It is also the case that abuse survivors can split
into multiple personalities in order to deal with the abuse. The worse
the abuse, the more likely someone is to have developed multiple
personalities. Different personas will split off to handle the memories,
the anger, and various other facets of the abuse situation. Alters, as
they're known, can be all different ages, different sexes, etc. Being a
multiple doesn't mean that you are crazy, it is just the means you ended
up using to survive extremely stressful situations. (See the
Alt.Support.Dissociation FAQ for more on this. - Veritas)
6.6) How can I tell if I have multiple personalities? (Dennis R. Conley)
This is by no means an absolute guide, but here are some of the signs
commonly used in diagnosing MPD/DID:
- three or more (incorrect) past diagnoses (often schizophrenia)
- failure of previous treatments
- rapidly changing symptoms severe anxiety attacks dizziness, trembling nausea, fear of choking or dying depressions, mood swings, suicidal feelings or actions visual or auditory hallucinations feeling dazed, disoriented, in a trance racing thoughts, speaking words you did not think of
- severe headaches
- time lapses (e.g. waking up somewhere strange and not knowing how you got there)
- finding clothes, objects or writing that you don't recognize
- hearing voices (very common, "inside" or "outside" voices)
- the appearance of alters, as witnessed by others, either spontaneously or via hypnosis
Researchers seem to be leaning toward thinking of MPD as the extreme on a
continuum of "dissociation ability". One researcher puts borderline
disorder on this continuum, and at the "mild" end puts daydreaming.
Remember, everyone is different, and having some or none of the symptoms
on this list does not mean that you do or do not conclusively have MPD.
If you think you may, the best thing to do would be to discuss the matter
with a trained psychologist who has experience in this area.
* The psychiatric definition of Multiple Personality Disorder no longer
exists. The new term is _Dissociative Identity Disorder_. It seems to be
being viewed more as a coping mechanism than a true disorder in DSM-IV. -
kws 6/2/95
6.7) Comments on rescue missions (by Wednesday Addams)
Once in a very blue moon, someone will happen upon the net who is still
being sexually abused. Your impulse might be to rescue that person from
their abuser. This isn't generally a good idea. The person may well not
be ready to leave yet, and there may be a whole host of legal
ramifications if you try to get the person to leave.
The chances are good that the person you want to rescue isn't ready to
leave yet, and the legality of such action is suspect at best, especially
if the person isn't of legally adult age. Laws vary from state to state,
so if you are convinced that attempting a rescue is something you must do,
you should research this a little beforehand. If what you do happens to
be illegal, you should be aware that you're asking for a whole mess of
trouble when the authorities inevitably find out about it. If you try to
help a child run away from home, you can (and likely will) be arrested for
kidnapping. This is a felony.
In general, if the abusee is under the age of sixteen (not inclusive), if
you know of abuse in the family, the general rule is that you report it to
Child Protective Services (Social Services) and they will promptly begin
an investigation. If it's just the one parent being abusive, s/he will be
removed from the home. If it's both parents being abusive, the children
can be placed in the foster care system. Now then, if you have the means
to take in the child, you can apply to the authorities to be a foster
parent, and you too will be checked out. The older the kid, the more
likely you'll probably be to get him or her. This is the proper way to
help someone out of an abusive situation. Everything is legal, proper,
and above the table -- no room for sneaking about and engaging in
activities which could be seen in a very bad light whatever their
motivations happen to be.
If the person is legally an adult (or nearly so, anyway) things get fuzzy.
Often the rules for what Child Protective Services can do change. Again,
research the laws and regulations in your area to see what you can do. Be
prepared to do nothing other than offer emotional support, hard as that
may be. Rushing in to take charge of someone else's life is not likely to
help them in the long run.
If you see someone on ASAR who is still being abused, here's what they
need to know:
They're not alone. It happened to others, too. It is possible to get
out. It is possible to get better. What they DON'T need is to have a
plane ticket secretly waiting at the airport.
Running away isn't a good idea. If the laws of the state allow for
prosecution on the basis of the child's story, then encourage that child
to come forward. If you live in their area (please don't come in from too
far away---it'll look strange), offer to go with them to Child Protection
or Social Services, or even the police. Be emotional support, but don't
play Calgon. Don't take them away. Remember, only they know what's best
for themselves.
If you take them, you are setting yourself up for some serious criminal
charges depending on the circumstances. Where did that sixteen-year-old
girl come from?
And if it should happen that there's nothing concrete, then help the child
find therapy at least, but don't do anything extreme. What the child
needs from you is emotional support.
If the parents end up being charged, then something good will come out of
it. But it's more than likely that all you'll end up with is a bad name
and a child who found out the hard way that they were not going to be
believed. PARENTS DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL! They will likely do or say
anything to prevent this from happening, so be prepared.
What I am describing here is a situation where the abuse is not life
threatening. If the child is a victim of incest, or is being beaten, or
stands a good chance of being hurt badly now or in the near future, go
directly to the child's local authorities. Ideally, the child should come
forward on their own. But this isn't always possible. We all need food,
water, shelter, and clothing.
Teenagers, get help. Get counseling. But don't run away. Adult ASARians,
don't play God. It will be more traumatic for the children than you know.
6.8) Information on Hypnotism. (by Taylor Mohrle and Ed Carp)
Hypnosis is really just a guided introduction to an altered state of
awareness. The state most resembles a "runner's high" or when you are just
dozing off to sleep. Most people pass through the state twice a day, once
going to sleep and once waking up. The most common statement made by
people when they finish their first hypnosis session is "but I wasn't
really hypnotized".
Well, contrary to what television and movies would like you to think,
hypnosis is not an awe inspiring, mystical, magical thing that causes you
to do unbelievable things. The fact is that you are really not likely to
do anything in a hypnotic state that you wouldn't really do anyway (sorry
to shatter what may have been a myth). If this were really the case then
the hypnotic weight-loss and stop smoking programs would have a success
rate near 100% (they do NOT).
Things that hypnosis (with a good hypnotist, more on that later) CAN do to
assist you are to allow you to be in a guided, relaxed state that may
allow you to slip by a barrier or two that you mind has set up in the
past. However, PLEASE, PLEASE, *PLEASE* use this with caution and
hopefully under the guidance of an experienced professional.
If you are considering hypnosis I would like to suggest that you find a
professional that has experience with either survivors or with people that
have had traumatic incidents in general. The reason is that as you
explore events you may react in a very REAL manner to the memory and it
would not be a good time to find out that the hypnotist was timid and
confused about what to do. One point to remember that while you should be
able to be VERY comfortable with your hypnotist, if you are reacting to a
bad memory then the hypnotist may have to become very assertive in their
instructions for you to move away from the memory.
It would be good for you to set a goal for each session (with the
hypnotist) so that while you are in the relaxed state the hypnotist can
guide you to deal with the specific issue that was agreed upon for this
session. Please try and resist the temptation to "do it all at once".
After one or two successful sessions some people tend to try to get more
and more done each time, I would like to suggest that this would be the
time to be gentle with yourself. You may want to agree with the hypnotist
beforehand at what point you want to be removed from a bad memory.
You may want to have your session tape recorded. I suggest that you think
carefully about this, it is a good protection for both you and the
hypnotist, but it can have a drawback. The major drawback is that you may
well uncover memories (or fragments of memories, remember this is not
magic) that you are not fully "ready" to remember (your mind blocked them
for a reason). My experience, and those that I have talked with, is that
you remember what happens right after the session ends, but like a dream
when you wake up the memory fades FAST. So you may want to use caution if
you listen to those tapes!
The amount of information that can be retrieved by you and a skilled
hypnotist in a session is amazing. But, you must realize that you do not
defeat ALL of your minds defenses. You may extract a memory one time and
the next you get the same memory, but the details are different. Does
this invalidate the first memory? NO, it does not. Just like the
memories that you have now they come out in stages. Hypnosis can relax
you so that you and the hypnotist can get at them sooner than you would
otherwise, but it is not magic so you can not go right to the end (gee,
not magic, where have I read that before :))
You may want to ask your hypnotist for a "post-hypnotic" suggestion to
help you relax when a particularly bad time happens. What a
"post-hypnotic" suggestion does is allow a word or phrase (called a
trigger word) to activate conditioning to help you relax. The suggestion
is given during the session that when you deliberately use this word (the
trigger) that you will feel your body relaxing, etc (or whatever is
appropriate). This is one of the more useful aspects of hypnosis and can
help a lot.
Synopsis:
1. Check with your therapist (if you are seeing one) BEFORE trying hypnosis, PLEASE! If you are working on something specific, you may harm your progress by "forcing" something before you are "ready" and
then there will be more trauma for you to deal with.
2. Search for a good, experienced hypnotist that you will be comfortable with
3. Consider taping each session (talk with the hypnotist about this)
4. Ask for a post hypnotic suggestion for helping in a specific area (again, please resist the possible temptation to try and help ALL situations, only one or maybe two at most).
5. Try and limit your expectations. If you try hypnosis you will most likely get an idea of what can and can not be accomplished in a session and the sessions themselves may vary!
Hypnosis is a way to quiet the conscious mind enough for the sub-conscious
mind to come through. In this way, a skilled hypnotist can gain access to
information that has been forgotten or suppressed. It's a common fallacy
that "you can't lie under hypnosis"; if your self thinks it's important
enough to keep hidden, it will. Usually, though, there are very good
reasons why you haven't allowed yourself to remember childhood memories.
A lot of times, memories of abuse are very painful (though there are
exceptions) and you might be in a place where you couldn't handle
remembering, so the conscious mind blocks the recall. If you are
considering seeking a hypnotist to help you uncover childhood memories,
remember, "be careful what you wish for-- you might get it!" Talk it over
with your regular therapist (if any); you want to make *sure* that you are
in a place emotionally where you can handle those kinds of memories.
It's also another fallacy that you can be made to do "anything" while
under hypnosis. You don't lose consciousness, and you can't be made to do
anything that is against your ego or against your principles.
A skilled hypnotist can extract an amazing amount of information from your
subconscious under the right circumstances, but you want to make sure the
one you choose is reputable, accredited, and has regressed sexual abuse
survivors before, because the memories that can come up can be *very*
emotionally charged, and you don't want someone regressing you unless they
*know* what they are doing. Hypnotic regression isn't a parlor game, and
it's not for amateurs; every now and then someone gets seriously freaked
out under hypnosis, and it takes a skilled professional to bring them out
of it safely. When done by someone who knows what they're doing, hypnosis
is 100% safe.
A typical hypnosis session will run like this: the hypnotist will either
have you lying down or in a comfortable chair (the key here is your
comfort), perhaps have some soothing music playing in the background to
help you relax, and will talk to you for a few minutes, explaining what
he/she will be doing, and making sure you understand hypnosis and what it
can and cannot do. It *can* help you uncover childhood memories, possible
of abuse - it *cannot* tell you what to do with those memories once
they're uncovered. Hypnosis isn't a "cure-all", nor is it for everyone.
It isn't "black magic" or "satanic" - it's a process whereby you gain
access to other parts of your mind.
When you are comfortable and relaxed, the hypnotist will then start to
relax you, either by verbally talking you "down", or using taped
instructions. You may go through a "white light" protection ritual (this
assures you that you are safe and in control) then you will be instructed
to visualize you body relaxing, part by part (usually starting at the feet
and working up), muscle group by muscle group. You may be instructed to
visualize numbers, counting down from 10, to 1, and this may happen
several times. This is to focus your concentration and to help you ease
into the hypnotic state. You may also be given suggestions that you are
at peace, you are relaxed, and at ease.
After you are totally relaxed and are into the hypnotic state, the
hypnotist will usually give you instructions that "you will remember
everything that happens during this session". You may also be instructed
that you will be emotionally detached from any scenes or images that you
may see or feel; you will be as an observer in what you are about to see.
This, of course, is for your protection.
At this point, the hypnotist will start to regress you, or may ask your
subconscious mind to show you a memory or scene from your childhood that
is relevant, then ask you to describe what you are seeing. This
exploration may go on for some time, as the hypnotist sees fit or as time
permits.
At the end of the session, the hypnotist will bring you back up to full
consciousness, possibly with suggestions that "you feel good, you are
relaxed and at peace", etc.
The session may be taped. If not, you might want to ask permission to
tape it yourself - if this is refused, you might want to consider looking
for another hypnotist.
Remember that the memories you uncover may change from session to session,
especially in the minor details. This does *not* mean that your memories
are invalid! The mind is a very tricky thing to deal with, and has very
sophisticated protection mechanisms. What is real and true and set in
concrete from one perspective might be seen differently at another point
in time. The mind at times forms associative memories in unusual ways -
say, for example, that your SO and you are having problems. You are
regressed, and a memory fragment comes up that has your SO molesting you
as a child. This is obviously impossible! What happened? Well, your
mind associated the sexual abuse with what you may feel is emotional abuse
with your SO, and put the two together. What *is* important is the pattern
of memories, not the specific details, even though you may have strong
reactions to specific details of abuse memories. The more emotionally
charged a memory is, the more likely your mind will try and protect you
from the specific details. That's why it's very important for you to get
your therapist's OK before starting in on regressive hypnosis.
The term "Inner Child" is difficult to describe as it has been used
rather broadly and generally. Some see the inner child as simply a
metaphor, others as a real thing. For some, it's a little of both. Under
hypnosis, and sometimes when dissociating, people can regress to an early
age where they function as a child. In one instance the person can
regress to the time of the abuse, where they ended up rather
developmentally stuck. The abuse was so difficult to deal with, to
reconcile with their view of the world, that they split their memories of
the abuse off. Not only were the memories split off, but a lot of what
that child was had also been split off. Lost are the childlike ways of
viewing the world, the awe and spontaneity. Some people believe that the
origin of the inner child comes from abuse; that we have inner children
who are the same age we were when we were abused. Others believe that
inner children exist for every age we've ever been.
One's set of belief systems can be viewed as something like a
pyramid, built on the foundation stones of their earliest beliefs. These
core beliefs are developed during childhood, using a child's primitive way
of viewing the world. As an abused child, their view of reality is
severely distorted. They often come to see themselves as being bad, as
having something inherently wrong with them that brought about the abuse
they received. They may even feel they deserved the abuse. How else can
a child, so completely dependent on others, comprehend it? Thus trust is
often an important issue.
Many of the foundations stones of their belief systems are based on
lies, and are built of pretty poor material. From then on, each
successive belief the child develops is built on those foundation stones.
Their reality is filtered through these stones, so what they perceive is
pretty distorted. Going back and discovering the lies, rebuilding those
belief systems requires going back to the foundation stones. To best do
this, they need to access that inner child, the one who created the
stones. If the person as a young child can perceive the truth, they can
rebuild their foundation. A lot of that foundation is based on what they
believed about themselves, which in turn developed their self-esteem.
Imagine what happens to someone's self-esteem, believing they deserved the
abuse?
A lot of gaining access to one's inner child is in building a
trusting relationship with that child. For some, it was like splitting
off a hurt child, abandoning the child and ignoring the needs and the pain
so that they could survive. And in part they blame that child for causing
the pain. So to that "child" part, the "adult" part became an abuser.
The "child" doesn't trust the "adult" because the "adult" refused to give
the "child" voice. So reclaiming the child, accepting the child as a part
of the adult, rebuilding that trust can be difficult. Going back and
listening, giving voice to that pain, accepting the pain as one's own
pain, not "the child's" pain, undoing that split is much of what healing
is all about. With trust, the lost trust can be slowly regained and that
"inner child" can begin to be integrated. If you are having trouble
connecting with a possible inner child, it can help to have a picture of
yourself at a young age and visualize that child at a familiar place.
Sometimes mementos from childhood, like pictures you drew or souvenirs
from a vacation, can also help.
One possible problem about talking about the "inner child" and the
"adult" is that this is like looking at two different people, not just
one. It is difficult to own the abuse and the pain. There is shame
involved, which can be a very touchy issue. Who wants to own having been
sexually abused? It's often easier to pretend it never happened, or to
lay the blame elsewhere, like on that "inner child". That's a trap that
can keep one from owning *their* abuse. There's a lot to own and a lot to
reclaim.
But envisioning that hurt child can prove very useful. Is that child
real? Is that child simply a metaphor? Does it really matter? Either
way, the concept can prove useful. The original clinical idea of the
inner child was approximately how you remember yourself as a child---how
much power, responsibility, playfulness, etc. you assign to who you were
when you were young. This idea at least theoretically has consequences
for how you feel about events when you were young, and how you, as an
adult, respond to children now. If, e.g., you see yourself as having been
basically a miniature adult, you might blame yourself for things which
were outside of your actual realm of comprehension then, and
theoretically, you might then expect unreasonable levels of responsibility
from your own offspring. Part of overcoming childhood trauma for you
would then be to bring your image of yourself as a child more in line with
reality, and realize how blameless you actually were.
To complicate matters, the term used to express this concept, "inner
child", is very evocative, especially to students of mythology,
archetypes, and spirituality; by itself, undefined, it carries a lot of
other possible meanings, many of which are quite useful. Lay literature
has grabbed up this term to mean, among other things, an
externally-perceived sense of one's-self as perpetually young (somewhat
akin to the child archetype in post-Jungian mythos); a perpetually young
personality among the fragmented minds of persons with multiple
personalities; and a variety of things along and near a spectrum between
these latter two ideas.
Context is needed to decide exactly what a person means when they use the
term. By searching for that inner child portion, by hearing and
communicating, by filling the needs that were never met, by reparenting
that child, one can go a long way toward healing the abuse.
7.2) Ways of comforting self (by Lisa Nofzinger)
Here are some suggestions about comforting yourself when you're hurting or
memories come up: Sit in a safe place with a stuffed animal or blanket or Koosh ball or
another object which comforts you.
Call or meet with a safe person and talk. Write about your feelings. Take a walk. Take naps. Drink a soothing beverage like hot cocoa or milk. Speak gently to yourself. Take a long soothing bath. Read meditation books aloud or silently. Reaffirm that you are OK, that you will survive, that it's healing to feel feelings, that you're safe and the abuser will not hurt you again. Exercise to relieve stress and express anger or grief. Listen to soft, soothing music. Post on the net. Pray or meditate or get in touch with a Higher Power. Feel the love and
support and comfort which is available from a power stronger than
yourself.
7.3) When you're scared of a particular person ( By Brian O'Byrne)
Being scared, whether it feels like it or not, may be an excellent
indicator of how far you have come in your recovery. Survivors of abuse,
particularly child abuse, learn at a very early age to block out their
feelings, particularly the feelings which lead to safety and protection,
because they have been so brutally violated. Fear is a feeling which
leads to protection.
It is vitally important to realise the source of the fear: is it the
person, the feelings that person brings up in you, their actions, or
reactions, or maybe something completely different? If it is the person,
then it would be my experience that the person is probably not good for
you, and you should find a way to reduce--if not eliminate--contact
between you. However, if it is the feelings that person invokes in you,
then it is time to take a look at yourself, and decide why you feel scared
or threatened. It may be that the person is helping you (or pushing you
into) areas of recovery which are new to you. This is a time for caution,
not rash action. Consider carefully what you are doing with this person,
what you are thinking about this person which makes you sacred, and
discuss it, preferably with them, but you can always bring it to ASAR. It
may be a key to a new area of healing.
I have to say at this stage that I have often found that fear is closely
related to the abuse we experienced, so you have to decide whether the
fear is coming from the abuse from which you are recovering, or from
ongoing abuse. If it is the former, explore it carefully, with someone
you trust. If it is the latter, it is vitally important that you get out
of the abusive situation. You are worth more than to be victimized again.
To summarise, find the source of your fear. Remember that fear protects
us, and often warns us of dangerous situations which should be avoided.
But also remember that fear is generated by the abuse in our past, and
such fear must be understood to be conquered.
7.4) Ways of empowering yourself (by Judith Reed)
We as incest and abuse survivors were taught that we were powerless. Now,
we must find ways to take back our power, to conquer our fears, and to
live the strong, powerful lives we deserve. The following ideas were
submitted by asar posters as ways to gain power over various aspects of
our life. They are offered in the spirit they were given - if it helps
you, use it, if not, let it go.
Personal myth - In order to deal with night terrors, create a tale of the
monster that haunts you, where it lives, the spells you put on it to keep
it in check, how you do battle with it, not killing it but weakening it!
Or, adopt a MAGIC DRAGON who lives in your bedroom and is very loving and
gentle, but also very brave and powerful, and watches over you. Or,
picture a 7 foot sexless giant guardian. This guardian is there to
protect you and ONLY you from any "dangers" in the night. It won't hurt
you, only protect you. These techniques could also be adapted to deal with
body memories, flashbacks, other things that make you afraid and come from
inside.
Children's books, stuffed animals - It is very comforting to have a soft
"lovey" to hug when you are scared or sad. Also, books like "Where the
Wild Things Are", by Maurice Sendak, that address night fears for children
can make good bedtime reading. Another asar person says: "I have found the
"Carl" series to be good (it is several stories about a rottwieler named
Carl, who baby-sits a little baby (Carl's Day in the Park, Carl's
Christmas, Good Dog Carl, etc....I think Alexandra Day wrote them), also
the stories are a about trust and safety (there is no text, just wonderful
pictures). and of COURSE there are bears, and green dinosaurs named
Naomi..."
Maintaining your personal space - ELBOWS can be placed out to subtly bloc
people from getting too close. If they still don't get the hint, don't be
afraid to _USE_ them, a quick "accidental" jab can get the message across
that the person is TOO CLOSE - BACK OFF!!!
Night terrors - Teach yourself to wake up and rewrite the script - "If you
wake up and can remember the scenario of your dream, then lay back down,
and make up a new ending to your dream. For example. I had a dream one
time where I was in the middle of this field and there were a group of men
killing another group of men one by one. As the slaughter continued,
something woke me up right in the middle. So I would have this dream for
many nights in a row ALWAYS waking up. I learned that I could make up a
new ending to this dream by recreating the dream in my head RIGHT after
waking up (when it is still fresh in my head!) SO I envisioned being back
in this field, watching this slaughter and saying to myself, I'm not
comfortable with what is going on here, so I will change this dream. And I
went on to envision that I had a gun and I shot it up in the air getting
the intention of the killers and started screaming at them to go away and
leave the people alone. Then I walked into town and told the police and
they came out and took care of the people. What happened, I found is that
when I *practiced* this, I noticed that during dreams, in the dreams when
things started getting bad, I dreamt that I would say something like "I
don't like what is going on here" and the dream would end. What a weird
experience to be able to KEEP bad dreams from happening."
Change your speech patterns - "Take responsibility for those things in
your life over which you have power. One simple exercise to help work
towards this is to be conscious of your speech patterns; English often
sabotages our self-empowerment. ** Replace "I have to" with "I choose to". ** It's a simple exercise
that makes us consciously hear ourselves describing the choices we're
making, and perhaps weren't aware of under the old patterns. See how it
sounds; if it doesn't sound too great, then perhaps it will cue you to
make a different choice.
"She/He made me mad" is another speech pattern that abdicates
responsibility for our own feelings, and gives the empowerment to somebody
else. "I chose to get mad at her/him" is a self-empowering substitute.
I believe that victims say "I have to", and people who are on their way to
becoming empowered say "I choose to" or "I choose not to." The very good
news is that you do have lots and lots of choices about things. The bad
news is that with choice comes the responsibility for living with the
choice. "I have to live at home" simultaneously robs you of choice but
also makes the abuse you're getting there not your fault. "I choose to
live at home" gives you the power NOT to live at home -- pretty neat, yes?
-- but also makes it clear that if you do, you have to take a share of the
responsibility for getting dumped on, and if you don't, you have to take
responsibility for changing the situation. "
A Bill Of Assertive Rights -
"I recently completed a stress-management clinic, and one of the things
that was discussed at length was the necessity of being more assertive:
when you quit being a doormat, life tends to become a little less
stressful. One of the handouts we were given was the following, which I
pass along to you all in the hope that somebody might find it helpful.
Relive the event in your mind - << SPOILER - STRONG STUFF, USE WITH CARE
>> "Painful feelings are real. But these feelings are reactions to events
long dead, events that have not received a proper burial. We all know that
pretending they didn't occur is not a proper burial. So what is? These
feelings seem to be running around in endless loops, making your life
miserable. How do you drive a stake through their heart and put them to
rest for good?
I've said this before, but I'll try it again. This is what works for
painful memories of my own. Imagine the scene in full detail. Go for total
recall. This is a movie, about you, and you don't want to miss a thing.
You'll feel pain, but ignore it. This pain is triggered by a memory, not
by an event which can damage you. The damage has already been done, and
now you need to re-experience the pain to undo the damage. Turn each scene
over in your mind.
Step through the movie frame by frame if necessary. Most importantly,
understand what happened. Look at each event from every side, until you
know what happened, and why. You probably will never be able to fully
understand the mind of a perp, so at some point you may just say that the
perp is a crazy son of a bitch, but don't worry about that. You need to
know how these events have impacted you, how you have reacted, and then
accept that knowledge. You may feel more unpleasant emotions as a result -
asking why you didn't do this, or do that, shame, rage - don't beat
yourself up. You've had other people do that to you, don't do it yourself.
The point of this exercise is not to gratuitously wallow in pain, but to
reclaim your past - to take control, to assume responsibility. You are
responsible for your actions, and your actions alone. Your perp is
responsible for his/hers.
Your past belongs to you - claim it, understand it. I find that reliving a
memory drains it of power. After stepping through it and accepting the
feelings that come with it, the memory will have lost it's charge, it will
no longer carry an autonomous emotional energy. Everyday events will no
longer tap into this reservoir of feeling running around the circuits of
your mind. Like I say, it works for me."
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